Almost a year and still stuck…

It’s been almost a year since D-day, I thought things would have been better, but it turns out that both WH and I are still stuck as if it happened just a couple of days ago and not months ago.  I don’t know whether I will be called stupid by some of you, but I am currently 7 months pregnant.. yeah.. it seems that along the way of trying to fix things up, I got knocked up as well.  

It’s not really unwanted pregnancy or unplanned, somehow I’m glad that I am pregnant so that I have something beautiful to look forward to instead of keeping myself looking back at the ugly past.  But then, being pregnant has its bane as well, such as getting all too worked up with emotions.  Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I get more emotional as triggers and flashbacks crosses my mind, and I find myself stuck in the same spot where I was months ago.  As if I didn’t move on.. as if I didn’t do anything at all.. it hurts and it keeps on hurting, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore.  I’m tired of feeling hurt, but I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop myself from feeling the pain… 

The irony of it all is that I will be giving birth in January.. again, the same month as my first born, the same month as the baby that was born out of my husband’s affair… I’m hoping and praying to God that my second child would not share the same birthday as the other child, but it would really be a joke of fate playing on us again if it did fall on the same date… 

I really wish I could move on.. but I don’t know where to start anymore, somehow, somewhere I got lost in all of the things that is in my head and in my heart.  Right now, all I know is that I am stuck, and that no matter how hard I try, I still am stuck!  I guess healing does take years.

Intimacy

Intimacy  –  in·ti·ma·cy – [in-tuh-muh-see]  –  noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I’ve often wondered about the word.  It is defined as an act of affection, a familiar act or a loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I often apply the word to physical contact and to emotional details of my relationship with DH.  I thought, husband and wives who are physically intimate are also emotionally intimate.  Such is not always the case, as I found out.  On the other hand, I also found out that it’s the other way around.  Husbands and wives who are emotionally intimate are more often than not physically intimate too.

So how do we define an affair?  When DH is having any form of intimacy with another person other than us.  Because intimacy is and only should be reserved for us, the wife / husband.  Not with anyone else.  Any act of intimacy other than with the other half is an act of betrayal or a start of an affair with another person.  I guess, this does not only apply to the wayward spouse but to us betrayed spouses as well.  More than we notice, or would like to acknowledge, we get to practice intimacy with another person other than our spouses after their affair.  We tend to tell the intimate details of our relationship problems to friends, to family members or to anyone who would listen to our aches and pains, not knowing that we ourselves are doing an act of betrayal to the wayward spouse.  It’s not as grave as an affair, but it’s nevertheless an act of pushing our wayward spouses under the bus.  I too am guilty of doing such a thing, and I guess most of us are guilty of doing this.  However, as I came to realize, this is not really helpful, as this will not solve anything between me and my husband since I’ve decided to fight for our relationship despite the odds.  This only creates more confusion as I now have to consider the opinion of those people whom I told my problems to.  Plus, my husband now couldn’t face the people who knew of our problems because he’s embarrassed of the thought that they knew a lot about his mistake and that they are judging him poorly.

Now, I am not saying that we should try to handle this alone because I know that it’s almost impossible to do as the pain of discovering an affair is so great that no words could even begin to describe how painful it is, but what I’m trying to say is that we should seek the help of a trust worthy professional, neutral, preferably not related to the couple, and unbiased person to share our problems with rather than share the intimacy with our close family or friends who are not only going to be devastated along with us but will inevitably be as hurt as we are over the affair.

My apologies if my thoughts are messed up and it’s apparent in this post but up until now I’m still having mixed emotions as to what, how and when I should feel things or think things out.  I’m way better than when I was after D-day but I’m not yet totally there yet.   I just want to thank the people who take time to read my blogs and even leave a comment because it somehow makes me feel that my life is still part of the normal universe and I am not alone in this suffering.  Though I really pray that someday people would at least try to put an end to this kind of suffering as I believe that this is worst than anything that could be experienced in life…

 

Still

This is one of my favorite songs to listen to in times of trouble. I am thankful that though I am not religious, I can always count on faith to bring calmness in me whenever I go thru the storms of life. I will be STILL… because I believe that my God is bigger than my problems and the universe will give me a good life.

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction

I would like to share with the readers a current fondness that I found because of my husband’s affair.  I found out that most of the self-healing stuffs they dish out talks about this Law of Attraction, but it comes in different forms.  Most of the self-help books that I’ve read and articles over the internet tells the BS to be more focused on oneself because we can only control ourselves and not other people.  I wondered how I would do that, so I researched some more, and lo and behold, I found myself with getting information about the law of attraction.  Please take time to read this link.  This might help you clear your mind whenever necessary and focus on a new perspective.  It helped me get what I want to achieve in the fastest time possible.  Peace of mind and happiness with my husband and family only in the span of 2 months.  But I’m not saying this is something easy to do.  I find that this is difficult at first but thru practice it becomes easier every day.  I hope this helps you too.

(Forget) Third Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

On my first ingredient, I put SELF HEALING, and FOCUS as my second.  Now, I will put FORGET or FORGETTING as the third ingredient to my Fairy Tale recipe.  I recently discovered that it is a very important part of healing.  In order to truly heal, we must learn how to forget.

As the betrayed spouse, I need to learn this every day.  It’s specially hard since my D-day was just very recent.  I haven’t even crossed the 2 months earmark and yet here I am, rushing towards the things that would make me happy and whole again.  As I’ve said in my previous blogs, and I couldn’t emphasize it more, I don’t want to be stuck with the feeling of pain and negativity.  I want to move forward as fast as I can so that I can escape the feeling of doom and gloom.  I want to heal as quickly as I can, not for the sake of my wayward spouse, but because for the love of myself, I want to stop feeling the hurt and the aches in my heart.  And I can only do that if I am to heal completely, whether WS helps or not, I have to get there as quickly as possible.

So, the third ingredient that I discovered is FORGET.  I have a lot of things to forget.  First on the list is that I have to forget her, the other woman.  I have to forget that she ever existed.  This is the hardest part, but this is the first part that I have to put on my list because of the difficulty.  I have to stop myself from obsessing about her.  I have to be conscious and stop myself from wondering about her.  I have to completely erase her existence from my mind.  I believe that it’s the most difficult thing to do right now simply because of the million questions that I have in my head about her.  But it is also the easiest thing to do because all I need to do is not to think about her, and whenever I find myself crossing the line on thinking about her and the baby that she had with WS, I will have to think of something else.  I would have to FOCUS on thinking of something positive about me and my daughter and my husband.  Yes, he should be part of the positive thoughts in order for me to restore my sanity and trust in my marriage.  I have to believe that I still have something to hold on to.

I have to share a quote that I’ve read somewhere that makes me believe that by forgetting about her, I’m getting my justice served and I’m getting my fair share in this life.  I know she would never be able to forget my husband for the rest of her life because she made sure to keep a memory of him that both of them can never take back, a baby.  And if the worst feeling is not being lonely but being forgotten by someone you can’t forget, then she will have the worst feeling everyday because I intend to have her be forgotten by WS and myself.  It’s not going to be easy but I know that if I take the first step eventually husband dear would follow.

Recently, she tried to make contact thru my husband’s work email.  And true to his word, he told me about the email but he didn’t sent any reply messages.  In her email, she attached a picture of the baby as if trying to remind my husband of what they have together, but when I asked my husband what he intends to do with it, he just dismissed the whole idea as ridiculously complicated.  He said that nothing good would come out of it and he doesn’t plan to act on it because there’s no use.  Of course, he knows very well that if he chose to have a part in the baby’s life I would support his decision as long as I am going to be included in his decision making.  She stopped contacting him for now.  I know she’s hoping to see him in person at work because in her email, she was asking for a chance to talk so that they can have a closure.  I’m not sure if husband will give him the opportunity, but he knows that it’s not wise to talk to her anymore because of previous experience.  In fact, he was the one who suggested to me the idea of forgetting about her.  He said that if we truly wanted to move on, forgetting about her and her existence is the best way to go because by not minding her, she would get the hint that he and I are seriously working on our relationship.  It made sense to me.  Plus I read in a lot of book that in order to truly forgive, I also must forget.

So I’m going to start with her.  I will slowly, but surely start to erase all of her memory in my mind.  All of my curiosity will have to be forgotten as if she never existed.    Next on my list is to forget all the things that I’ve found out about my husband’s affair.  It’s the only way that I could move on to my own future.  I will not forget the lessons that I learned though as they are the most valuable lessons that I acquired at a very high cost.  But the things that happened to gained those lessons I have to erase from my mind so that I no longer would think about it.  I realized that the triggers are brought about by certain memories that I have, and if I learn to forget them, then I would no longer have the triggers as well.  I can say that after I stopped attaching meanings to all the things and events in my husband’s affair, the triggers gradually lessens.  I hope that in time, it will completely stop and disappear as if it as well never existed.

(Focus) Second Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

This here is my mantra right now.. and I really mean everyday repetition to myself.  I need to focus on the good stuff if I’m to pick up myself back together.  I put it upon my shoulder to make my family work and I made a commitment to make my marriage work.  I put up a lot of years building a relationship with my husband, there’s no way in the world I’m just gonna hand him over and give up the entire deal to another woman.  I will put up a fight until the very end, until my husband tells me that he’s still very into this marriage, then I will fight.  I put my mind, my heart and my soul into working on it.

Last post, I put SELF HEALING as my first ingredient.  Today, I’m putting FOCUS.  We, the betrayed spouse, often put a lot of our energy and effort and focus on the things that hurt us and the things that happened with the OW and WS, that we forgot to put some focus in our own goodness.  I believe that focusing in the affair and the OW prevents us from healing.  It adds pain to the injury in our hearts created by the affair.  So why not focus on healing instead?  Instead of asking the WHY, let’s start to ask HOW.  I recently stopped myself from asking the WHY questions.  I stopped asking my husband why he did this, why he did that, why so and so happened.  I stopped asking myself why as well.  I focused on HOW.  I now always start my questions with how, and usually I like the response that I get from my husband.  He appreciates the question more now than when I was asking the WHY questions which he usually couldn’t answer.  By asking him the HOW questions, he feels more like he’s being given a real chance at making our relationship work and he feels that I’m really giving him a real chance to making it up to me for the hurt that he caused.  I also felt happier when I stopped asking the WHY questions because there was normally no sufficient or reasonable answer to my why questions, and even if they get answered, it leads to more WHY questions.  But when I started asking HOW instead of WHY, I felt better.  I finally feel as if there’s something positive happening in the relationship and that my husband and I are really both working on it as a team again.

I realized that I could FOCUS on the good stuff but not leave the lessons of the bad stuffs that occurred.  I really believe in the picture I posted along with this blog wherein it states “If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it”.  It’s a good mantra.  It puts back my self esteem, which I lost a lot of after finding out about the affair.  It puts back self confidence that I can do things I thought I couldn’t, and among those things includes bringing back a happy relationship with my husband.  It’s the number one thought that usually bugs a betrayed spouse.   A thought that seems almost impossible to accomplish, but whenever I think and say my mantra, I do believe that I can put a lot of energy and focus on it to really make what seems impossible, a possibility. 

I do hope that those of you reading this could find it in your heart to take the step and rebuild what was destroyed by the affair.  It’s not an easy task but then if we conceive and believe, then we can achieve.  Just focus on the right things.  Stop focusing on the things that we can no longer do something about such as the affair or the thoughts about the other woman.  Completely eliminate then from your mind. It sounds a lot easier said than done, but I’m now proving to myself and to other betrayed spouses out there that this is just a matter of thought.  If we think, we will feel.  If we believe, then we can do it.  As simple as that.  No buts, no ifs.

 

(Self Healing) First Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

I quote Lao-Tsu in my journey to self healing.  I must begin with a single step.  I already took the first step, and that is to “COMMIT”.  I became committed to my self healing and to the healing of my marriage with my dearest husband.  I believe that in order to move forward I must begin to heal, and no better way to start healing than acceptance.

I accepted the fact that bad things happened to my marriage and that it’s not the end of the world as they say it.  As always, I have been reading books, listening to podcast, reading other betrayed spouse’s blogs and articles regarding affairs.  They all say the same thing, and they all mean the same thing.  I can only be in control of myself, of my feelings, of the way I think, MYSELF and no one else’s.  It’s an absolute truth, and in this time where I doubt the truth, this is the only thing that I could put my faith into.

I choose not to wait for 2 or 3 years to heal.  That is just too long.  If I can have total control of myself and that would help to heal me faster, then I would rather do that and be over with this pain, than prolong it for nothing.  I choose not to blame anyone anymore, I choose to just face the problem at value without passing the ball to anyone.  I don’t blame myself for what happened, nor my husband for his choices and actions or the other woman. But not blaming anyone doesn’t mean that I’m agreeing to what happened.  I simply choose to accept that things did happen and there’s no other way to take it back, therefore, there’s no other way but to move forward, always forward.

I can only look back and learn, and move on.  I cannot erase the past, but by accepting the past I can face the future with a determination to make it better than yesterday and definitely much brighter than today.  I will get everything that I can from this experience for what it’s worth.  I choose to learn, and accept then forgive.

I am now taking my first step towards a very long journey.  A journey to finding back my own happy ever after.  I hope that at the end of the road is a loving heart that waits for me, be it a prince or a frog, so long as it’s no longer a wicked witch.