Almost a year and still stuck…

It’s been almost a year since D-day, I thought things would have been better, but it turns out that both WH and I are still stuck as if it happened just a couple of days ago and not months ago.  I don’t know whether I will be called stupid by some of you, but I am currently 7 months pregnant.. yeah.. it seems that along the way of trying to fix things up, I got knocked up as well.  

It’s not really unwanted pregnancy or unplanned, somehow I’m glad that I am pregnant so that I have something beautiful to look forward to instead of keeping myself looking back at the ugly past.  But then, being pregnant has its bane as well, such as getting all too worked up with emotions.  Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I get more emotional as triggers and flashbacks crosses my mind, and I find myself stuck in the same spot where I was months ago.  As if I didn’t move on.. as if I didn’t do anything at all.. it hurts and it keeps on hurting, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore.  I’m tired of feeling hurt, but I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop myself from feeling the pain… 

The irony of it all is that I will be giving birth in January.. again, the same month as my first born, the same month as the baby that was born out of my husband’s affair… I’m hoping and praying to God that my second child would not share the same birthday as the other child, but it would really be a joke of fate playing on us again if it did fall on the same date… 

I really wish I could move on.. but I don’t know where to start anymore, somehow, somewhere I got lost in all of the things that is in my head and in my heart.  Right now, all I know is that I am stuck, and that no matter how hard I try, I still am stuck!  I guess healing does take years.


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