I will commit!

Photo I will commit.  I have been over thinking things and I have been trying to stop thinking.  It’s making my brains mushed.  Now, I know that I have to commit.  I have to be committed in doing something right for myself.  If I don’t want to forget then I will commit to that, or if I t to move on, then I should also commit to that.  I make a commitment today, to move on and give my husband another chance. 

I commit myself to fixing this marriage and our relationship.  It shouldn’t matter now who’s giving more input or who’s doing more as of the moment.  The only thing that should matter now is that we are both still here, nobody left and he wants to be healed as well.  I want to heal as well.  We both need this.  I need to commit to be positive.  The pictures that I’ve put here in the post are the things that I’ve trying to tell myself.  All I’ve ever wanted is a happy family and a happy marriage.  I will keep on reaching for my fairy tale marriage until I’ve reached it. 

Photo: So true... and important...

They say that when reality bites, the fairy tale ends, most especially in marriages.  But I will refuse to believe that, I will stand steadfast on my belief that given the right recipe, I can put my marriage back to its fairy tale state.  I commit to doing that.  I will no longer entertain the negative thoughts that plagues my heart and makes me doubt myself.  I will be confident in myself and would no longer seek reassurance from others.  Not even from DH.  I will need to reassure myself from day to day that I am doing the right thing, and if it makes me happy, I will continue to do it.  I don’t need his approval or validation to know that I am happy.  I should know my own heart and I should trust my own judgement.  I believe that if I gather enough positivity, I can eventually pull him back to a positive relationship.  He will eventually see the light.  he will eventually find his happiness with me and our daughter, and if he doesn’t, then I am no longer responsible for how he feels.  I can only be responsible for how I feel.  I will no longer hold him responsible for the way I feel either.  I am committed to making me and my daughter happy.  I commit to bringing happiness back in my family. 

I will no longer be afraid again to try the things that will make me happy.  I am no longer afraid to be strong because being that is the only option presented to me at the moment.  I COMMIT, and it starts today.

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Leaving my worries behind.. for now…

ImageIt’s been a month since D-day.. It feels like a year already..  Looking at it, I’m way too far from the 2 year earmark that most of the betrayed spouses wrote about.  I still read a lot, I talked to DH a lot.. I won’t lie about it, there are still days that make me think twice why I stayed, but then, I overcome those with positive thoughts. 

  I read a lot of books and they helped me a lot in terms of the way I think and see things.  One favorite book of mine is Liam Naden’s “Save and Heal your marriage – without marriage counseling”.  I so badly needed this book because I am from a country where affairs is not something to be discussed openly, counselor or not.  Though I believe that counseling could help, there are not so many counselors here whom my husband and I could totally trust to help us.  So, when I read this book, I was so glad.  There are a lot of things written in the book that totally opened a new perspective for me.  I would quote a favorite line in that book that I’m repeating to myself a lot of times lately, it says “I am responsible for my life, for my life situation, and I alone have the power to change it.”

Given that thought, I now begin to feel that I have hope on fixing my broken marriage.  I can get back my fairy tale marriage with my prince charming, my DH.  I am positive that I do love the man, with all that he is and with all that we have.  I can leave my worries behind for now, and find my peace today because I look in myself and know what I want.  I want a happy life, I choose to be happy, I choose to have a happy family and a healthy relationship with my wayward spouse.  Even if he was a wayward, I still love him to the moon and back, and that is something that I can not explain except that perhaps this is what it means to love unconditionally.

 

 

I hate you!!!

I HATE YOU!!!  I want to tell that to DH right now.. I hate how he handles our relationship.  I hate how he makes me feel, I hate how I feel right now.. it’s just a moment full of hatred.. I HATE IT!  He’s being insensitive JERK!

 

truth and memories

It’s been several days ago since I had the talk with DH.  We both decided that “THAT TALK” will be our sort of closure.  I get to ask him all the questions that I haven’t asked before and he would answer them as truthfully as he could.  I thought that it was a good start to heal.  I honestly believe that by hearing him say the story I would have an understanding of what happened.  I was wrong.. I still couldn’t understand it.  Although, talking about it made me feel better. 

Today, I had to borrow an old mobile phone.  I knew that THIS was the mobile phone that they used to text each other.  But I didn’t knew that he would not erase the old messages, as he thought it was no longer necessary, and it wouldn’t affect me even if I see it because I already had my closure with him.  He thought wrong, I thought wrong.  It killed me, but I read it anyway.  Stupid, stubborn me!

I wish I could just brush it aside, and imagine a big eraser and scrape it out of my mind, but I couldn’t.  I tried but it doesn’t go away.  Especially the physical pain.  It’s there.  I’m not sure how I would talk to him again about this things that I feel.  I feel that he’s getting tired, and I’m getting tired as well.  I can’t blame him, but I can’t force myself to feel what I can’t.  I pray for the days where the ugly memories wouldn’t pop up.  I pray for the days wherein everything seems all right and peaceful.  Where ugly thoughts doesn’t enter my head.  Where we could just co-exist happily together, as if nothing happened, as if we’re moving on.  I pray for those days, I really need those days. 

He just got his promotion a couple of weeks ago.  He’s no longer resigning from work as previously agreed upon.  I should be the happiest wife and proud of him because he finally got his promotion, but I feel that his promotion somehow is going to be an add on fuel to a fire in our relationship problems.  I’m scared that I might not be able to keep this up anymore.  I have this feeling that I’m bottling up things and just waiting to pop out and burst. 

I’m beginning to have suicidal thoughts… I’ve come across the thought of killing our daughter then killing myself next.. then I came back to my senses and feel that I’m such a horrible person for thinking like this.. I’m hating myself.. I pray to God to make me stronger than I am right now.  Sometimes, I look at my daughter and would feel very very sorry for her.  How I wish I could spare her from this feeling when she grows up.  How I wish I can teach her the right thing to do if she’s faced with this situation.  I want to be there if she’s going to go thru a thing like this.  I want to hold her hand and hug her and tell her she will be strong enough to make a right decision.  How I wish I could tell my mom everything and have her hug and comfort me.  That’s what I really want right now, that’s what I think I need. 

It feels like I’m stuck in limbo.  My brains ceased to function where the affairs of my heart is concerned.  New things are unfolding right before my eyes but I’m no longer interested to see them.  I just want days to fly and pass by so that it would dull the aches in my heart.  I know we both are trying to move pass this one.  Reading helped, I hope it can still help.  Blogging helps.. but it’s not enough right now.. I wish I can make the memories go away. 

I haven’t fully accepted the fact that things are never going back to the way it used to be.  I know that we could only make it better from here but it will never be the same.  I have to change the way I view things to cope up, to heal.  I need to read LIam Naden’s book again, if only to remind myself about acceptance and look for answers within. 

I feel crappy, but I know that this too will pass.. I wish I could have a memory eraser.. I wish they can invent a thing like that, a thing that will erase all the bad memories just like it does in computers.  I want to delete them forever..

Better days, and days like this…

rain There are better days, then there are days like this.  Days where I just want to shout and cry and ask again and again why, why did this happen?  Of course I know this behavior is not helping me any.  It’s destructive.  But how do I stop feeling like this?  How do I stop feeling the pain?

I keep on reading books, checking things that I thought would and could help me, but I’m still stuck.  I don’t want to give her the power over me anymore.  SHE did enough damage already, so I shouldn’t let her destroy me more than she already sadhad.  But where do I start?  How do I stop thinking about HER?  I still can’t understand why she would choose to have a daughter with my husband when she already have 2 sons with her own.  I would never know why, and at times, I think I don’t need to know why.  But, there’s always this but… I really am going CRAZY…

Then there’s my husband.  He seems to think that everything is okay, if we just forget about it.  In a blink of an eye, is it going to be that simple?  He thinks that just because he says so, it’s going to be easy.  I really want to follow his advise.  I’m trying to, for my own good, try not to think and forget.  Unfortunately, each days seems like an eternity.  I finished reading a book about total forgiveness, it says that total forgiveness is also forgetting.  It says that we must forget in some ways that it’s enough to move on.  How I wish I could do that right now, forget, but it’s seems the hardest thing for me to do.

I want to think about happy days whenever I feel like this.  I want to think about better days.  I know they are coming too.  Even if it’s not today… even if it’s tomorrow.. I want to bring back the feelings that my husband and I used to share.  But now there are only questions, upon questions, and some more unending questions.  It’s as if my mind will never be satiated.  I thought that things will get better each day, if I would only take it one day at a time.  But why do I still feel stuck?  It’s like I’ve fallen in a quick sand and I can’t come out.

I want him to talk to me, to tell me everything that happened.  How did it happen?  Why it happened.  But I guess he’s not ready yet.  The worst part about this is that I’m forced to look at the kind of person DH is, right at this moment, I’m just sad beyond words.  As if I made an illusion and now reality bites.  I always thought him as an angel, my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince… but now I know he’s only human.  An ordinary irresponsible lowlife.  He became insensitive to his surroundings, got so wrapped up with his own insecurities and self worth that he forgot about me and our daughter.  I guess that’s where my anger is coming from.  I guess that’s why I’m this upset.

I now begin to doubt all of my choices.  I now begin to question my judgement on people.  I am full of self doubt now.  It’s funny how all the books I’ve read kept on repeating it’s not about me, it’s about him, his feelings, his ego, his needs.  It’s all about him.  But if it’s about him, why do I have to be affected with the consequences?  Again, what did I do to deserve this?  How come I have to suffer like this?  Why does it have to involve innocent children?  So not FAIR!!!

Life is not fair, I already knew that since I began pre-school.  But I also thought that even if life is not fair, God is.  Now I start asking God as well, because I really couldn’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve something like this.  If I did, and I deserve this, then my daughter doesn’t.  This has to stop… I have to find out how.. I will try my best to make it stop.

“One day, someday, though it’s not today, I will forget… I will get over this… There will be better days, even if there are days like this…”

A happy marriage is the union of Two good FORGIVERS

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I want to save my marriage, I want to save my family.  I admit that when I first found out about his affair, my instinct was to run.  Run as far as I could from him, bringing my daughter with me and RUN.  In the end, my logic won over my emotions.  It asked me, what good would that do?  It dictates in my head “It would cause more harm than good.”  

Then flood of emotions would take over again.  Amongst other feelings that I have is pity for my husband and for OW.  They must have been very lonely to have done something as selfish as this.  Then I will find it funny, how could I still even think like this?  How could I still have it in my heart to feel pity for them, instead of pitying myself?  Then it would hit me again, he must have been lonely and confused.  I always have everything going my way, while he on the other hand always have to struggle hard to reach his dreams.  He must have felt so insecure and so small compared to me.  In my head I made my own debate and excuses and thousand of reasons why this happened to me, to my family, to my marriage.

We used to have a perfect marriage.  A perfect life.  Or so I thought.  I thought that despite the hardships that we faced and go thru, as long as we stick together, we will be strong.  He had good values, a strong principle.  I always admired him for that.  People always looks up to him for that.  Now… if they only knew.. or maybe some of them already knew…

I want to be selfless, and forgive.  As easily as I say it.  FORGIVE.  I easily gave HER my forgiveness when SHE asked me of it.  I was never angry at her to begin with.  After all, SHE was no one in my life.  She was just an instrument for me to see my marriage and relationship with my husband as it really is.  She’s a stranger, so why would her feelings matter to me, so yes, I already forgave her.  In fact, I can only feel occasional pity for her.  But my husband…oh, my dearest husband… how can I forgive you?  When everyday I still feel like I’m dying.  I’m taking things one day at a time, one thought at a moment.

DH said it himself, what he did to me was unforgivable.  He doesn’t even expect me to forgive him, so why should I give it to him when he’s not even asking for it?  I’ve been reading a lot since D-day.  A lot of books about affairs, and what to do, what not to do about them.  In all those books, it always states that forgiveness is a gift to oneself.  It had only been a month since D-day.  However, it already feels like a year has passed.  The agony seems to have an effect on time.  It seems to prolong every moment, making it longer than usual and more than necessary.

We did marriage counseling on the first week after I found out.  It’s supposed to help and feel good but it didn’t change anything about how I feel.  I still feel as if I’m in terrible pain.  There’s still round about a million questions in my head.  They’re all in my head, floating, lurking, waiting to be spoken out loud.  I try to filter some when I ask him, as some questions are plain nasty and wouldn’t be really helpful towards healing.  The real question for me now is, which ones are helpful and which ones are not?  I just want to have a quiet mind and shout it all out in hopes that once I did, I would have a peace of mind and I would get some answers.  But of course, another question pops out, what do I do with the answers?  I’m not really sure.  I’m seething.  Just boiling from the inside.  Trying to convince myself that things will be fine.  I pray that God will make it find soon.  I really can’t stand the pain in my chest anymore.  It really hurts so much. 

It hurts to think that he broke everything that’s sacred to me, to us.  He broke our wedding vows, to love, to honor, to cherish?  where’s all of that now?  It hurts that he gave to HER everything that’s supposed to be mine, and mine alone.  HIMSELF.  He gave her a piece of him that I can no longer take back, no matter how much I try.  It hurts because I want to trust him so bad and now there’s only doubts in my heart and in my head.  Doubt about everything we had.  Did he really love me?  If so, how can he still do this to me?  I couldn’t even imagine being touched by another man except from him, but now I can’t imagine him being able to touch me without wondering if he also did this and that with her.  It hurts, it just hurts as hell.

I wish there’s a pill that I could take to make me forget.  To make all of these go away and just leave me with a fresh start.  A new chapter to my fairy tale.  I wish I could go back to my fairy tale life.  I wish.. I wish.. SHIT!  All I can do now is wish, but it won’t do good.  It hurts a lot to think that all those times I was almost begging him to make love with me, he was withholding from me because he was making love with someone else.  He chose her over me, it’s plain selfish… so why should I be selfless?

So why do I stay?  I ask myself over and over again.  Why do I chose to still stay with him?  I’m not really sure if it’s just plain stupidity or stubbornness.  I stayed because the truth is, I’m still in LOVE with him.  I still want to make this work.  I want to make it until we grow old and until our hair grows grey.  But now it’s more challenging to do, now it’s become more difficult.  In most cases, I’ve read that it takes at least 3 months to make big decisions in cases like ours.  I’ve already crossed my first month.  There’s still a lot of things that could happen in 2 months.  I hope I can last that long. 

It also says it takes 2 years to heal, but I’m not sure if I want to wait that long too.  I pray to God that He would heal me faster than that.  For my daughter and my sake as well, let there be healing in my heart.  There are days like this when I just want to sulk and cry, but I can’t even afford to do that, at least not yet.  Maybe next time, maybe tomorrow.  But I pray that it would be a good day tomorrow, a day where I could finally find it in my heart to forgive, so that I can go back to my happy marriage.

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things that I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference…”

Pumpkin “baby” carriage

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I can’t stop thinking about the baby.  How my own daughter would take the news when she grows up.  Shall I tell my daughter about her?  I think I want to, I believe she deserves to know, but who knows if I ever will be able to tell her.  I promise DH that I’ll be his partner in crime.  I’ll keep his secret even if it’s against my wishes.  Even if it kills me, I will try to keep it.

Myriads of emotions are deep in my heart.  I’ll wake up in the wee hours of the morning with a chest pain, and an anger that seems to consume my whole being.  Though I can still control them right now, the demons that’s lurking in me, I’m still scared that one day it will all break lose.  Then there are times where I will just cry, and I really want to find a place where I could just bawl my eyes and heart out.  If only to ease the pain in my heart.  I want to cry to my friends and tell them what’s happening, but I couldn’t.  I can’t very well tell them what happened and expect them not to judge DH.  I want to cry to my mom, but I also can’t.  She would hold it against him and I don’t want that too.

I keep thinking about THEIR baby.  SHE gave the baby two names, the first name meant Alive and the second one meant God is my Strength.  It’s as if the baby was meant to be born.  I can’t have her and I can’t stop thinking about her (the baby).  I would really like to see that baby grow up.  It’s odd for me to find myself with these thoughts in my head.  I couldn’t find a trace of hate for the baby.  She’s innocent in all these pain.  I would really wanted to have her, and I really wish she was OURs instead of THEIRs.  But then, she’s not, and I can’t see her grow up, and I won’t see her anymore.  I stopped checking HER FB.  Before I did, I was obsessing about the baby, on how she looks so much like my daughter.  It would have been great to have another baby in the house with my daughter to play with and grow together with and call sister.  I have to tell myself over and over to stop thinking like this.  Stop thinking like a mad woman.  But then again, how?  why not?  I’m mad after all.  My pumpkin coach just turned into someone else pumpkin carriage, a baby carriage that is. 

May God forbid that HER husband found out about the little one.  I often pray for God to protect the baby from harm.  I still feel scared a lot of times.  For me, my family, my husband and for the little one if in case HER husband finds out about the affair that SHE had with DH.  I often run different scenarios in my head.  Would he run after DH and beat him to death?  Would he shrug it off just like I did for the sake of his family?  Would he go crazy just like I do at times?  I think he might, just like I did. 

I have to stop checking on HER page, trying to look for the update and pictures of the kid.  I have to focus on what I have, instead of what I couldn’t have.  The pain’s becoming all too physical as well.  Sometimes it feels like it’s a death grip in my heart.  I’m trying my best to act normal, but then, I no longer know what normal is.  Everything seems odd and abnormal to me now.  I always chant to myself to live one day at a time, to feel one moment at a time, and to think one thought at a moment.