Intimacy  –  in·ti·ma·cy – [in-tuh-muh-see]  –  noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I’ve often wondered about the word.  It is defined as an act of affection, a familiar act or a loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I often apply the word to physical contact and to emotional details of my relationship with DH.  I thought, husband and wives who are physically intimate are also emotionally intimate.  Such is not always the case, as I found out.  On the other hand, I also found out that it’s the other way around.  Husbands and wives who are emotionally intimate are more often than not physically intimate too.

So how do we define an affair?  When DH is having any form of intimacy with another person other than us.  Because intimacy is and only should be reserved for us, the wife / husband.  Not with anyone else.  Any act of intimacy other than with the other half is an act of betrayal or a start of an affair with another person.  I guess, this does not only apply to the wayward spouse but to us betrayed spouses as well.  More than we notice, or would like to acknowledge, we get to practice intimacy with another person other than our spouses after their affair.  We tend to tell the intimate details of our relationship problems to friends, to family members or to anyone who would listen to our aches and pains, not knowing that we ourselves are doing an act of betrayal to the wayward spouse.  It’s not as grave as an affair, but it’s nevertheless an act of pushing our wayward spouses under the bus.  I too am guilty of doing such a thing, and I guess most of us are guilty of doing this.  However, as I came to realize, this is not really helpful, as this will not solve anything between me and my husband since I’ve decided to fight for our relationship despite the odds.  This only creates more confusion as I now have to consider the opinion of those people whom I told my problems to.  Plus, my husband now couldn’t face the people who knew of our problems because he’s embarrassed of the thought that they knew a lot about his mistake and that they are judging him poorly.

Now, I am not saying that we should try to handle this alone because I know that it’s almost impossible to do as the pain of discovering an affair is so great that no words could even begin to describe how painful it is, but what I’m trying to say is that we should seek the help of a trust worthy professional, neutral, preferably not related to the couple, and unbiased person to share our problems with rather than share the intimacy with our close family or friends who are not only going to be devastated along with us but will inevitably be as hurt as we are over the affair.

My apologies if my thoughts are messed up and it’s apparent in this post but up until now I’m still having mixed emotions as to what, how and when I should feel things or think things out.  I’m way better than when I was after D-day but I’m not yet totally there yet.   I just want to thank the people who take time to read my blogs and even leave a comment because it somehow makes me feel that my life is still part of the normal universe and I am not alone in this suffering.  Though I really pray that someday people would at least try to put an end to this kind of suffering as I believe that this is worst than anything that could be experienced in life…



3 thoughts on “Intimacy

  1. I disagree. It’s not intimacy of a betraying kind to seek the support of friends and family. Or even strangers in the right circumstances. Hopefully they respect and support the marriage and you shouldn’t face any undermining if you decide to stay.

    • But then sometimes that’s the thing, we, the betrayed spouse tends to seek the support of our family and friends, sometimes to the extent that we didn’t have the time to think of the repercussions our decisions would have on the relationship. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it is wrong, because to each his / her own as long as we can find relief to ease the pain that we feel. However, my only point is this, if we the betrayed spouse, don’t think about things and simply fire away telling our “support” people what’s happening between wayward spouse and us, aren’t we in effect also doing to them what they did to us? that is, doing something first then thinking about the damage later? because we all do know that as soon as the word is out that our wayward spouse went wayward, the opinion of those people whom we told the details about will definitely change. We are hoping that they would respect and support the marriage if we chose to fight for it, but in reality, how many of the family members and friends we told about the affair wouldn’t pass judgement on wayward spouse? Our hopes and prayers will not be able to control their thoughts and feelings because they too are human like all of us are. The sad thing is, even if they have good intentions for us, not all of those intentions are healthy for the relationship if we do chose to stay. That’s just my thoughts when I posted this particular blog.

      • No absolutely not. We are not doing what they did to us or anything like it. If they don’t like their family and friends knowing what they did then they shouldn’t have done it. It’s on them that we have this burden, and I think it would be a really morally bankrupt cheater who would fault is for telling anyone at all.

        I’m not concerned with the cheater at all, they have to take what’s coming, and no they don’t get to call cheating on it.

        However for our own sake we should be wise in who we tell. Personally I’ve told everyone, like my whole family, friend circle, and work (his and mine).

        Even my mother who was the least likely, has supported my choice. She says she couldn’t do it but she’s still supportive. Really, I couldn’t do this without her.

        The only people we need to worry about are those who judge us for staying and usually those are people we want to avoid anyway. I’ve struck one bad egg- she actually supported the affair and tried to get me to leave so Id be replaced. Well, I would rather know about THAT kind of person. We both cut her off quickly after that.

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