Tag Archive | marriage

(Focus) Second Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

This here is my mantra right now.. and I really mean everyday repetition to myself.  I need to focus on the good stuff if I’m to pick up myself back together.  I put it upon my shoulder to make my family work and I made a commitment to make my marriage work.  I put up a lot of years building a relationship with my husband, there’s no way in the world I’m just gonna hand him over and give up the entire deal to another woman.  I will put up a fight until the very end, until my husband tells me that he’s still very into this marriage, then I will fight.  I put my mind, my heart and my soul into working on it.

Last post, I put SELF HEALING as my first ingredient.  Today, I’m putting FOCUS.  We, the betrayed spouse, often put a lot of our energy and effort and focus on the things that hurt us and the things that happened with the OW and WS, that we forgot to put some focus in our own goodness.  I believe that focusing in the affair and the OW prevents us from healing.  It adds pain to the injury in our hearts created by the affair.  So why not focus on healing instead?  Instead of asking the WHY, let’s start to ask HOW.  I recently stopped myself from asking the WHY questions.  I stopped asking my husband why he did this, why he did that, why so and so happened.  I stopped asking myself why as well.  I focused on HOW.  I now always start my questions with how, and usually I like the response that I get from my husband.  He appreciates the question more now than when I was asking the WHY questions which he usually couldn’t answer.  By asking him the HOW questions, he feels more like he’s being given a real chance at making our relationship work and he feels that I’m really giving him a real chance to making it up to me for the hurt that he caused.  I also felt happier when I stopped asking the WHY questions because there was normally no sufficient or reasonable answer to my why questions, and even if they get answered, it leads to more WHY questions.  But when I started asking HOW instead of WHY, I felt better.  I finally feel as if there’s something positive happening in the relationship and that my husband and I are really both working on it as a team again.

I realized that I could FOCUS on the good stuff but not leave the lessons of the bad stuffs that occurred.  I really believe in the picture I posted along with this blog wherein it states “If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it”.  It’s a good mantra.  It puts back my self esteem, which I lost a lot of after finding out about the affair.  It puts back self confidence that I can do things I thought I couldn’t, and among those things includes bringing back a happy relationship with my husband.  It’s the number one thought that usually bugs a betrayed spouse.   A thought that seems almost impossible to accomplish, but whenever I think and say my mantra, I do believe that I can put a lot of energy and focus on it to really make what seems impossible, a possibility. 

I do hope that those of you reading this could find it in your heart to take the step and rebuild what was destroyed by the affair.  It’s not an easy task but then if we conceive and believe, then we can achieve.  Just focus on the right things.  Stop focusing on the things that we can no longer do something about such as the affair or the thoughts about the other woman.  Completely eliminate then from your mind. It sounds a lot easier said than done, but I’m now proving to myself and to other betrayed spouses out there that this is just a matter of thought.  If we think, we will feel.  If we believe, then we can do it.  As simple as that.  No buts, no ifs.



(Self Healing) First Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

I quote Lao-Tsu in my journey to self healing.  I must begin with a single step.  I already took the first step, and that is to “COMMIT”.  I became committed to my self healing and to the healing of my marriage with my dearest husband.  I believe that in order to move forward I must begin to heal, and no better way to start healing than acceptance.

I accepted the fact that bad things happened to my marriage and that it’s not the end of the world as they say it.  As always, I have been reading books, listening to podcast, reading other betrayed spouse’s blogs and articles regarding affairs.  They all say the same thing, and they all mean the same thing.  I can only be in control of myself, of my feelings, of the way I think, MYSELF and no one else’s.  It’s an absolute truth, and in this time where I doubt the truth, this is the only thing that I could put my faith into.

I choose not to wait for 2 or 3 years to heal.  That is just too long.  If I can have total control of myself and that would help to heal me faster, then I would rather do that and be over with this pain, than prolong it for nothing.  I choose not to blame anyone anymore, I choose to just face the problem at value without passing the ball to anyone.  I don’t blame myself for what happened, nor my husband for his choices and actions or the other woman. But not blaming anyone doesn’t mean that I’m agreeing to what happened.  I simply choose to accept that things did happen and there’s no other way to take it back, therefore, there’s no other way but to move forward, always forward.

I can only look back and learn, and move on.  I cannot erase the past, but by accepting the past I can face the future with a determination to make it better than yesterday and definitely much brighter than today.  I will get everything that I can from this experience for what it’s worth.  I choose to learn, and accept then forgive.

I am now taking my first step towards a very long journey.  A journey to finding back my own happy ever after.  I hope that at the end of the road is a loving heart that waits for me, be it a prince or a frog, so long as it’s no longer a wicked witch.