Tag Archive | other woman

Intimacy

Intimacy  –  in·ti·ma·cy – [in-tuh-muh-see]  –  noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I’ve often wondered about the word.  It is defined as an act of affection, a familiar act or a loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I often apply the word to physical contact and to emotional details of my relationship with DH.  I thought, husband and wives who are physically intimate are also emotionally intimate.  Such is not always the case, as I found out.  On the other hand, I also found out that it’s the other way around.  Husbands and wives who are emotionally intimate are more often than not physically intimate too.

So how do we define an affair?  When DH is having any form of intimacy with another person other than us.  Because intimacy is and only should be reserved for us, the wife / husband.  Not with anyone else.  Any act of intimacy other than with the other half is an act of betrayal or a start of an affair with another person.  I guess, this does not only apply to the wayward spouse but to us betrayed spouses as well.  More than we notice, or would like to acknowledge, we get to practice intimacy with another person other than our spouses after their affair.  We tend to tell the intimate details of our relationship problems to friends, to family members or to anyone who would listen to our aches and pains, not knowing that we ourselves are doing an act of betrayal to the wayward spouse.  It’s not as grave as an affair, but it’s nevertheless an act of pushing our wayward spouses under the bus.  I too am guilty of doing such a thing, and I guess most of us are guilty of doing this.  However, as I came to realize, this is not really helpful, as this will not solve anything between me and my husband since I’ve decided to fight for our relationship despite the odds.  This only creates more confusion as I now have to consider the opinion of those people whom I told my problems to.  Plus, my husband now couldn’t face the people who knew of our problems because he’s embarrassed of the thought that they knew a lot about his mistake and that they are judging him poorly.

Now, I am not saying that we should try to handle this alone because I know that it’s almost impossible to do as the pain of discovering an affair is so great that no words could even begin to describe how painful it is, but what I’m trying to say is that we should seek the help of a trust worthy professional, neutral, preferably not related to the couple, and unbiased person to share our problems with rather than share the intimacy with our close family or friends who are not only going to be devastated along with us but will inevitably be as hurt as we are over the affair.

My apologies if my thoughts are messed up and it’s apparent in this post but up until now I’m still having mixed emotions as to what, how and when I should feel things or think things out.  I’m way better than when I was after D-day but I’m not yet totally there yet.   I just want to thank the people who take time to read my blogs and even leave a comment because it somehow makes me feel that my life is still part of the normal universe and I am not alone in this suffering.  Though I really pray that someday people would at least try to put an end to this kind of suffering as I believe that this is worst than anything that could be experienced in life…

 

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(Forget) Third Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

On my first ingredient, I put SELF HEALING, and FOCUS as my second.  Now, I will put FORGET or FORGETTING as the third ingredient to my Fairy Tale recipe.  I recently discovered that it is a very important part of healing.  In order to truly heal, we must learn how to forget.

As the betrayed spouse, I need to learn this every day.  It’s specially hard since my D-day was just very recent.  I haven’t even crossed the 2 months earmark and yet here I am, rushing towards the things that would make me happy and whole again.  As I’ve said in my previous blogs, and I couldn’t emphasize it more, I don’t want to be stuck with the feeling of pain and negativity.  I want to move forward as fast as I can so that I can escape the feeling of doom and gloom.  I want to heal as quickly as I can, not for the sake of my wayward spouse, but because for the love of myself, I want to stop feeling the hurt and the aches in my heart.  And I can only do that if I am to heal completely, whether WS helps or not, I have to get there as quickly as possible.

So, the third ingredient that I discovered is FORGET.  I have a lot of things to forget.  First on the list is that I have to forget her, the other woman.  I have to forget that she ever existed.  This is the hardest part, but this is the first part that I have to put on my list because of the difficulty.  I have to stop myself from obsessing about her.  I have to be conscious and stop myself from wondering about her.  I have to completely erase her existence from my mind.  I believe that it’s the most difficult thing to do right now simply because of the million questions that I have in my head about her.  But it is also the easiest thing to do because all I need to do is not to think about her, and whenever I find myself crossing the line on thinking about her and the baby that she had with WS, I will have to think of something else.  I would have to FOCUS on thinking of something positive about me and my daughter and my husband.  Yes, he should be part of the positive thoughts in order for me to restore my sanity and trust in my marriage.  I have to believe that I still have something to hold on to.

I have to share a quote that I’ve read somewhere that makes me believe that by forgetting about her, I’m getting my justice served and I’m getting my fair share in this life.  I know she would never be able to forget my husband for the rest of her life because she made sure to keep a memory of him that both of them can never take back, a baby.  And if the worst feeling is not being lonely but being forgotten by someone you can’t forget, then she will have the worst feeling everyday because I intend to have her be forgotten by WS and myself.  It’s not going to be easy but I know that if I take the first step eventually husband dear would follow.

Recently, she tried to make contact thru my husband’s work email.  And true to his word, he told me about the email but he didn’t sent any reply messages.  In her email, she attached a picture of the baby as if trying to remind my husband of what they have together, but when I asked my husband what he intends to do with it, he just dismissed the whole idea as ridiculously complicated.  He said that nothing good would come out of it and he doesn’t plan to act on it because there’s no use.  Of course, he knows very well that if he chose to have a part in the baby’s life I would support his decision as long as I am going to be included in his decision making.  She stopped contacting him for now.  I know she’s hoping to see him in person at work because in her email, she was asking for a chance to talk so that they can have a closure.  I’m not sure if husband will give him the opportunity, but he knows that it’s not wise to talk to her anymore because of previous experience.  In fact, he was the one who suggested to me the idea of forgetting about her.  He said that if we truly wanted to move on, forgetting about her and her existence is the best way to go because by not minding her, she would get the hint that he and I are seriously working on our relationship.  It made sense to me.  Plus I read in a lot of book that in order to truly forgive, I also must forget.

So I’m going to start with her.  I will slowly, but surely start to erase all of her memory in my mind.  All of my curiosity will have to be forgotten as if she never existed.    Next on my list is to forget all the things that I’ve found out about my husband’s affair.  It’s the only way that I could move on to my own future.  I will not forget the lessons that I learned though as they are the most valuable lessons that I acquired at a very high cost.  But the things that happened to gained those lessons I have to erase from my mind so that I no longer would think about it.  I realized that the triggers are brought about by certain memories that I have, and if I learn to forget them, then I would no longer have the triggers as well.  I can say that after I stopped attaching meanings to all the things and events in my husband’s affair, the triggers gradually lessens.  I hope that in time, it will completely stop and disappear as if it as well never existed.

(Self Healing) First Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

I quote Lao-Tsu in my journey to self healing.  I must begin with a single step.  I already took the first step, and that is to “COMMIT”.  I became committed to my self healing and to the healing of my marriage with my dearest husband.  I believe that in order to move forward I must begin to heal, and no better way to start healing than acceptance.

I accepted the fact that bad things happened to my marriage and that it’s not the end of the world as they say it.  As always, I have been reading books, listening to podcast, reading other betrayed spouse’s blogs and articles regarding affairs.  They all say the same thing, and they all mean the same thing.  I can only be in control of myself, of my feelings, of the way I think, MYSELF and no one else’s.  It’s an absolute truth, and in this time where I doubt the truth, this is the only thing that I could put my faith into.

I choose not to wait for 2 or 3 years to heal.  That is just too long.  If I can have total control of myself and that would help to heal me faster, then I would rather do that and be over with this pain, than prolong it for nothing.  I choose not to blame anyone anymore, I choose to just face the problem at value without passing the ball to anyone.  I don’t blame myself for what happened, nor my husband for his choices and actions or the other woman. But not blaming anyone doesn’t mean that I’m agreeing to what happened.  I simply choose to accept that things did happen and there’s no other way to take it back, therefore, there’s no other way but to move forward, always forward.

I can only look back and learn, and move on.  I cannot erase the past, but by accepting the past I can face the future with a determination to make it better than yesterday and definitely much brighter than today.  I will get everything that I can from this experience for what it’s worth.  I choose to learn, and accept then forgive.

I am now taking my first step towards a very long journey.  A journey to finding back my own happy ever after.  I hope that at the end of the road is a loving heart that waits for me, be it a prince or a frog, so long as it’s no longer a wicked witch.

Better days, and days like this…

rain There are better days, then there are days like this.  Days where I just want to shout and cry and ask again and again why, why did this happen?  Of course I know this behavior is not helping me any.  It’s destructive.  But how do I stop feeling like this?  How do I stop feeling the pain?

I keep on reading books, checking things that I thought would and could help me, but I’m still stuck.  I don’t want to give her the power over me anymore.  SHE did enough damage already, so I shouldn’t let her destroy me more than she already sadhad.  But where do I start?  How do I stop thinking about HER?  I still can’t understand why she would choose to have a daughter with my husband when she already have 2 sons with her own.  I would never know why, and at times, I think I don’t need to know why.  But, there’s always this but… I really am going CRAZY…

Then there’s my husband.  He seems to think that everything is okay, if we just forget about it.  In a blink of an eye, is it going to be that simple?  He thinks that just because he says so, it’s going to be easy.  I really want to follow his advise.  I’m trying to, for my own good, try not to think and forget.  Unfortunately, each days seems like an eternity.  I finished reading a book about total forgiveness, it says that total forgiveness is also forgetting.  It says that we must forget in some ways that it’s enough to move on.  How I wish I could do that right now, forget, but it’s seems the hardest thing for me to do.

I want to think about happy days whenever I feel like this.  I want to think about better days.  I know they are coming too.  Even if it’s not today… even if it’s tomorrow.. I want to bring back the feelings that my husband and I used to share.  But now there are only questions, upon questions, and some more unending questions.  It’s as if my mind will never be satiated.  I thought that things will get better each day, if I would only take it one day at a time.  But why do I still feel stuck?  It’s like I’ve fallen in a quick sand and I can’t come out.

I want him to talk to me, to tell me everything that happened.  How did it happen?  Why it happened.  But I guess he’s not ready yet.  The worst part about this is that I’m forced to look at the kind of person DH is, right at this moment, I’m just sad beyond words.  As if I made an illusion and now reality bites.  I always thought him as an angel, my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince… but now I know he’s only human.  An ordinary irresponsible lowlife.  He became insensitive to his surroundings, got so wrapped up with his own insecurities and self worth that he forgot about me and our daughter.  I guess that’s where my anger is coming from.  I guess that’s why I’m this upset.

I now begin to doubt all of my choices.  I now begin to question my judgement on people.  I am full of self doubt now.  It’s funny how all the books I’ve read kept on repeating it’s not about me, it’s about him, his feelings, his ego, his needs.  It’s all about him.  But if it’s about him, why do I have to be affected with the consequences?  Again, what did I do to deserve this?  How come I have to suffer like this?  Why does it have to involve innocent children?  So not FAIR!!!

Life is not fair, I already knew that since I began pre-school.  But I also thought that even if life is not fair, God is.  Now I start asking God as well, because I really couldn’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve something like this.  If I did, and I deserve this, then my daughter doesn’t.  This has to stop… I have to find out how.. I will try my best to make it stop.

“One day, someday, though it’s not today, I will forget… I will get over this… There will be better days, even if there are days like this…”

A happy marriage is the union of Two good FORGIVERS

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I want to save my marriage, I want to save my family.  I admit that when I first found out about his affair, my instinct was to run.  Run as far as I could from him, bringing my daughter with me and RUN.  In the end, my logic won over my emotions.  It asked me, what good would that do?  It dictates in my head “It would cause more harm than good.”  

Then flood of emotions would take over again.  Amongst other feelings that I have is pity for my husband and for OW.  They must have been very lonely to have done something as selfish as this.  Then I will find it funny, how could I still even think like this?  How could I still have it in my heart to feel pity for them, instead of pitying myself?  Then it would hit me again, he must have been lonely and confused.  I always have everything going my way, while he on the other hand always have to struggle hard to reach his dreams.  He must have felt so insecure and so small compared to me.  In my head I made my own debate and excuses and thousand of reasons why this happened to me, to my family, to my marriage.

We used to have a perfect marriage.  A perfect life.  Or so I thought.  I thought that despite the hardships that we faced and go thru, as long as we stick together, we will be strong.  He had good values, a strong principle.  I always admired him for that.  People always looks up to him for that.  Now… if they only knew.. or maybe some of them already knew…

I want to be selfless, and forgive.  As easily as I say it.  FORGIVE.  I easily gave HER my forgiveness when SHE asked me of it.  I was never angry at her to begin with.  After all, SHE was no one in my life.  She was just an instrument for me to see my marriage and relationship with my husband as it really is.  She’s a stranger, so why would her feelings matter to me, so yes, I already forgave her.  In fact, I can only feel occasional pity for her.  But my husband…oh, my dearest husband… how can I forgive you?  When everyday I still feel like I’m dying.  I’m taking things one day at a time, one thought at a moment.

DH said it himself, what he did to me was unforgivable.  He doesn’t even expect me to forgive him, so why should I give it to him when he’s not even asking for it?  I’ve been reading a lot since D-day.  A lot of books about affairs, and what to do, what not to do about them.  In all those books, it always states that forgiveness is a gift to oneself.  It had only been a month since D-day.  However, it already feels like a year has passed.  The agony seems to have an effect on time.  It seems to prolong every moment, making it longer than usual and more than necessary.

We did marriage counseling on the first week after I found out.  It’s supposed to help and feel good but it didn’t change anything about how I feel.  I still feel as if I’m in terrible pain.  There’s still round about a million questions in my head.  They’re all in my head, floating, lurking, waiting to be spoken out loud.  I try to filter some when I ask him, as some questions are plain nasty and wouldn’t be really helpful towards healing.  The real question for me now is, which ones are helpful and which ones are not?  I just want to have a quiet mind and shout it all out in hopes that once I did, I would have a peace of mind and I would get some answers.  But of course, another question pops out, what do I do with the answers?  I’m not really sure.  I’m seething.  Just boiling from the inside.  Trying to convince myself that things will be fine.  I pray that God will make it find soon.  I really can’t stand the pain in my chest anymore.  It really hurts so much. 

It hurts to think that he broke everything that’s sacred to me, to us.  He broke our wedding vows, to love, to honor, to cherish?  where’s all of that now?  It hurts that he gave to HER everything that’s supposed to be mine, and mine alone.  HIMSELF.  He gave her a piece of him that I can no longer take back, no matter how much I try.  It hurts because I want to trust him so bad and now there’s only doubts in my heart and in my head.  Doubt about everything we had.  Did he really love me?  If so, how can he still do this to me?  I couldn’t even imagine being touched by another man except from him, but now I can’t imagine him being able to touch me without wondering if he also did this and that with her.  It hurts, it just hurts as hell.

I wish there’s a pill that I could take to make me forget.  To make all of these go away and just leave me with a fresh start.  A new chapter to my fairy tale.  I wish I could go back to my fairy tale life.  I wish.. I wish.. SHIT!  All I can do now is wish, but it won’t do good.  It hurts a lot to think that all those times I was almost begging him to make love with me, he was withholding from me because he was making love with someone else.  He chose her over me, it’s plain selfish… so why should I be selfless?

So why do I stay?  I ask myself over and over again.  Why do I chose to still stay with him?  I’m not really sure if it’s just plain stupidity or stubbornness.  I stayed because the truth is, I’m still in LOVE with him.  I still want to make this work.  I want to make it until we grow old and until our hair grows grey.  But now it’s more challenging to do, now it’s become more difficult.  In most cases, I’ve read that it takes at least 3 months to make big decisions in cases like ours.  I’ve already crossed my first month.  There’s still a lot of things that could happen in 2 months.  I hope I can last that long. 

It also says it takes 2 years to heal, but I’m not sure if I want to wait that long too.  I pray to God that He would heal me faster than that.  For my daughter and my sake as well, let there be healing in my heart.  There are days like this when I just want to sulk and cry, but I can’t even afford to do that, at least not yet.  Maybe next time, maybe tomorrow.  But I pray that it would be a good day tomorrow, a day where I could finally find it in my heart to forgive, so that I can go back to my happy marriage.

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things that I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference…”

The clock striked 12

January 24, 2014.  That was my Cinderella-moment.  It’s the day that the clock stoke 12, and the magic ends.  The truth about my fantasy being exposed by OW.  She called me using another mobile.  I was at work.

It’s the worst day of my life.  I thought I could die a thousand times.  My worst fear about my dearest husband just became a reality.  SHE finally called me up to admit everything.  It was her who confessed and told me the whole story.  Why did it have to be her?  I died, or at least I wanted to.  I thought my heart stopped beating.

SHE told me about the baby as well.  Confirming it was his.  The very core of my being slowly wants to stop existing.  Time stood still for me.  As if prolonging the pain, extending the agony.  The whole world just stopped for a while, like a slow motion movie, looking at a glass slowly shattering to pieces.  I swear I could almost hear my heart breaking.  I suddenly went physically numb.  From head to toes.

The first thing that I had to ask was how could they do this to me?  What have I ever done to deserve this?  Then, I had to ask HIM.  I had to hear it from HIM.  It’s as if everything would turn out fine if he only say so.  I was wrong, so wrong.  It did not become okay.  I have heard the most horrible truth I’ve dreaded to hear…  My dearest husband had an affair, and not only that, there’s a child borne out of it.

He still couldn’t tell me everything, I had to pry the details from him.  I don’t know, he says.  I’m not sure he would answer.  It makes me irritated to hear those phrases.  I don’t even know why I wanted to hear the sordid details, but I want to hear it from him.  I want to hear him say it, if only to feel that he had been honest about it for at least once.

It’s a messy affair.  SHE already have 2 kids, and a husband who’s having an affair.  How could she even think of having another woman suffer the same fate as she is going thru?  What kind of a person would wish that pain to another person?  SHE chose to tell it to me, for some unknown reason, she broke the silence and promise that they made to each other.  The promise of keeping everything a secret until the day they die.  Bury it to the grave, they say.

The clock stroked 12 for me.  My Cinderella marriage now going back to reality.  It’s not the fairy tale with a happily ever after yet for me.  The story had just began.  The agony of being the damsel in distress, not only because of a witch, but because of her prince charming turning back into a frog.  A crystal shoe, which is full of questions, left behind.  The journey begins here.  The ever difficult journey of acceptance… I wonder who my fairy Godmother is going to be.  The clock stroked 12 for me…