Tag Archive | forget

(Forget) Third Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

On my first ingredient, I put SELF HEALING, and FOCUS as my second.  Now, I will put FORGET or FORGETTING as the third ingredient to my Fairy Tale recipe.  I recently discovered that it is a very important part of healing.  In order to truly heal, we must learn how to forget.

As the betrayed spouse, I need to learn this every day.  It’s specially hard since my D-day was just very recent.  I haven’t even crossed the 2 months earmark and yet here I am, rushing towards the things that would make me happy and whole again.  As I’ve said in my previous blogs, and I couldn’t emphasize it more, I don’t want to be stuck with the feeling of pain and negativity.  I want to move forward as fast as I can so that I can escape the feeling of doom and gloom.  I want to heal as quickly as I can, not for the sake of my wayward spouse, but because for the love of myself, I want to stop feeling the hurt and the aches in my heart.  And I can only do that if I am to heal completely, whether WS helps or not, I have to get there as quickly as possible.

So, the third ingredient that I discovered is FORGET.  I have a lot of things to forget.  First on the list is that I have to forget her, the other woman.  I have to forget that she ever existed.  This is the hardest part, but this is the first part that I have to put on my list because of the difficulty.  I have to stop myself from obsessing about her.  I have to be conscious and stop myself from wondering about her.  I have to completely erase her existence from my mind.  I believe that it’s the most difficult thing to do right now simply because of the million questions that I have in my head about her.  But it is also the easiest thing to do because all I need to do is not to think about her, and whenever I find myself crossing the line on thinking about her and the baby that she had with WS, I will have to think of something else.  I would have to FOCUS on thinking of something positive about me and my daughter and my husband.  Yes, he should be part of the positive thoughts in order for me to restore my sanity and trust in my marriage.  I have to believe that I still have something to hold on to.

I have to share a quote that I’ve read somewhere that makes me believe that by forgetting about her, I’m getting my justice served and I’m getting my fair share in this life.  I know she would never be able to forget my husband for the rest of her life because she made sure to keep a memory of him that both of them can never take back, a baby.  And if the worst feeling is not being lonely but being forgotten by someone you can’t forget, then she will have the worst feeling everyday because I intend to have her be forgotten by WS and myself.  It’s not going to be easy but I know that if I take the first step eventually husband dear would follow.

Recently, she tried to make contact thru my husband’s work email.  And true to his word, he told me about the email but he didn’t sent any reply messages.  In her email, she attached a picture of the baby as if trying to remind my husband of what they have together, but when I asked my husband what he intends to do with it, he just dismissed the whole idea as ridiculously complicated.  He said that nothing good would come out of it and he doesn’t plan to act on it because there’s no use.  Of course, he knows very well that if he chose to have a part in the baby’s life I would support his decision as long as I am going to be included in his decision making.  She stopped contacting him for now.  I know she’s hoping to see him in person at work because in her email, she was asking for a chance to talk so that they can have a closure.  I’m not sure if husband will give him the opportunity, but he knows that it’s not wise to talk to her anymore because of previous experience.  In fact, he was the one who suggested to me the idea of forgetting about her.  He said that if we truly wanted to move on, forgetting about her and her existence is the best way to go because by not minding her, she would get the hint that he and I are seriously working on our relationship.  It made sense to me.  Plus I read in a lot of book that in order to truly forgive, I also must forget.

So I’m going to start with her.  I will slowly, but surely start to erase all of her memory in my mind.  All of my curiosity will have to be forgotten as if she never existed.    Next on my list is to forget all the things that I’ve found out about my husband’s affair.  It’s the only way that I could move on to my own future.  I will not forget the lessons that I learned though as they are the most valuable lessons that I acquired at a very high cost.  But the things that happened to gained those lessons I have to erase from my mind so that I no longer would think about it.  I realized that the triggers are brought about by certain memories that I have, and if I learn to forget them, then I would no longer have the triggers as well.  I can say that after I stopped attaching meanings to all the things and events in my husband’s affair, the triggers gradually lessens.  I hope that in time, it will completely stop and disappear as if it as well never existed.

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Better days, and days like this…

rain There are better days, then there are days like this.  Days where I just want to shout and cry and ask again and again why, why did this happen?  Of course I know this behavior is not helping me any.  It’s destructive.  But how do I stop feeling like this?  How do I stop feeling the pain?

I keep on reading books, checking things that I thought would and could help me, but I’m still stuck.  I don’t want to give her the power over me anymore.  SHE did enough damage already, so I shouldn’t let her destroy me more than she already sadhad.  But where do I start?  How do I stop thinking about HER?  I still can’t understand why she would choose to have a daughter with my husband when she already have 2 sons with her own.  I would never know why, and at times, I think I don’t need to know why.  But, there’s always this but… I really am going CRAZY…

Then there’s my husband.  He seems to think that everything is okay, if we just forget about it.  In a blink of an eye, is it going to be that simple?  He thinks that just because he says so, it’s going to be easy.  I really want to follow his advise.  I’m trying to, for my own good, try not to think and forget.  Unfortunately, each days seems like an eternity.  I finished reading a book about total forgiveness, it says that total forgiveness is also forgetting.  It says that we must forget in some ways that it’s enough to move on.  How I wish I could do that right now, forget, but it’s seems the hardest thing for me to do.

I want to think about happy days whenever I feel like this.  I want to think about better days.  I know they are coming too.  Even if it’s not today… even if it’s tomorrow.. I want to bring back the feelings that my husband and I used to share.  But now there are only questions, upon questions, and some more unending questions.  It’s as if my mind will never be satiated.  I thought that things will get better each day, if I would only take it one day at a time.  But why do I still feel stuck?  It’s like I’ve fallen in a quick sand and I can’t come out.

I want him to talk to me, to tell me everything that happened.  How did it happen?  Why it happened.  But I guess he’s not ready yet.  The worst part about this is that I’m forced to look at the kind of person DH is, right at this moment, I’m just sad beyond words.  As if I made an illusion and now reality bites.  I always thought him as an angel, my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince… but now I know he’s only human.  An ordinary irresponsible lowlife.  He became insensitive to his surroundings, got so wrapped up with his own insecurities and self worth that he forgot about me and our daughter.  I guess that’s where my anger is coming from.  I guess that’s why I’m this upset.

I now begin to doubt all of my choices.  I now begin to question my judgement on people.  I am full of self doubt now.  It’s funny how all the books I’ve read kept on repeating it’s not about me, it’s about him, his feelings, his ego, his needs.  It’s all about him.  But if it’s about him, why do I have to be affected with the consequences?  Again, what did I do to deserve this?  How come I have to suffer like this?  Why does it have to involve innocent children?  So not FAIR!!!

Life is not fair, I already knew that since I began pre-school.  But I also thought that even if life is not fair, God is.  Now I start asking God as well, because I really couldn’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve something like this.  If I did, and I deserve this, then my daughter doesn’t.  This has to stop… I have to find out how.. I will try my best to make it stop.

“One day, someday, though it’s not today, I will forget… I will get over this… There will be better days, even if there are days like this…”