Tag Archive | affair

Intimacy

Intimacy  –  in·ti·ma·cy – [in-tuh-muh-see]  –  noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I’ve often wondered about the word.  It is defined as an act of affection, a familiar act or a loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I often apply the word to physical contact and to emotional details of my relationship with DH.  I thought, husband and wives who are physically intimate are also emotionally intimate.  Such is not always the case, as I found out.  On the other hand, I also found out that it’s the other way around.  Husbands and wives who are emotionally intimate are more often than not physically intimate too.

So how do we define an affair?  When DH is having any form of intimacy with another person other than us.  Because intimacy is and only should be reserved for us, the wife / husband.  Not with anyone else.  Any act of intimacy other than with the other half is an act of betrayal or a start of an affair with another person.  I guess, this does not only apply to the wayward spouse but to us betrayed spouses as well.  More than we notice, or would like to acknowledge, we get to practice intimacy with another person other than our spouses after their affair.  We tend to tell the intimate details of our relationship problems to friends, to family members or to anyone who would listen to our aches and pains, not knowing that we ourselves are doing an act of betrayal to the wayward spouse.  It’s not as grave as an affair, but it’s nevertheless an act of pushing our wayward spouses under the bus.  I too am guilty of doing such a thing, and I guess most of us are guilty of doing this.  However, as I came to realize, this is not really helpful, as this will not solve anything between me and my husband since I’ve decided to fight for our relationship despite the odds.  This only creates more confusion as I now have to consider the opinion of those people whom I told my problems to.  Plus, my husband now couldn’t face the people who knew of our problems because he’s embarrassed of the thought that they knew a lot about his mistake and that they are judging him poorly.

Now, I am not saying that we should try to handle this alone because I know that it’s almost impossible to do as the pain of discovering an affair is so great that no words could even begin to describe how painful it is, but what I’m trying to say is that we should seek the help of a trust worthy professional, neutral, preferably not related to the couple, and unbiased person to share our problems with rather than share the intimacy with our close family or friends who are not only going to be devastated along with us but will inevitably be as hurt as we are over the affair.

My apologies if my thoughts are messed up and it’s apparent in this post but up until now I’m still having mixed emotions as to what, how and when I should feel things or think things out.  I’m way better than when I was after D-day but I’m not yet totally there yet.   I just want to thank the people who take time to read my blogs and even leave a comment because it somehow makes me feel that my life is still part of the normal universe and I am not alone in this suffering.  Though I really pray that someday people would at least try to put an end to this kind of suffering as I believe that this is worst than anything that could be experienced in life…

 

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(Forget) Third Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

On my first ingredient, I put SELF HEALING, and FOCUS as my second.  Now, I will put FORGET or FORGETTING as the third ingredient to my Fairy Tale recipe.  I recently discovered that it is a very important part of healing.  In order to truly heal, we must learn how to forget.

As the betrayed spouse, I need to learn this every day.  It’s specially hard since my D-day was just very recent.  I haven’t even crossed the 2 months earmark and yet here I am, rushing towards the things that would make me happy and whole again.  As I’ve said in my previous blogs, and I couldn’t emphasize it more, I don’t want to be stuck with the feeling of pain and negativity.  I want to move forward as fast as I can so that I can escape the feeling of doom and gloom.  I want to heal as quickly as I can, not for the sake of my wayward spouse, but because for the love of myself, I want to stop feeling the hurt and the aches in my heart.  And I can only do that if I am to heal completely, whether WS helps or not, I have to get there as quickly as possible.

So, the third ingredient that I discovered is FORGET.  I have a lot of things to forget.  First on the list is that I have to forget her, the other woman.  I have to forget that she ever existed.  This is the hardest part, but this is the first part that I have to put on my list because of the difficulty.  I have to stop myself from obsessing about her.  I have to be conscious and stop myself from wondering about her.  I have to completely erase her existence from my mind.  I believe that it’s the most difficult thing to do right now simply because of the million questions that I have in my head about her.  But it is also the easiest thing to do because all I need to do is not to think about her, and whenever I find myself crossing the line on thinking about her and the baby that she had with WS, I will have to think of something else.  I would have to FOCUS on thinking of something positive about me and my daughter and my husband.  Yes, he should be part of the positive thoughts in order for me to restore my sanity and trust in my marriage.  I have to believe that I still have something to hold on to.

I have to share a quote that I’ve read somewhere that makes me believe that by forgetting about her, I’m getting my justice served and I’m getting my fair share in this life.  I know she would never be able to forget my husband for the rest of her life because she made sure to keep a memory of him that both of them can never take back, a baby.  And if the worst feeling is not being lonely but being forgotten by someone you can’t forget, then she will have the worst feeling everyday because I intend to have her be forgotten by WS and myself.  It’s not going to be easy but I know that if I take the first step eventually husband dear would follow.

Recently, she tried to make contact thru my husband’s work email.  And true to his word, he told me about the email but he didn’t sent any reply messages.  In her email, she attached a picture of the baby as if trying to remind my husband of what they have together, but when I asked my husband what he intends to do with it, he just dismissed the whole idea as ridiculously complicated.  He said that nothing good would come out of it and he doesn’t plan to act on it because there’s no use.  Of course, he knows very well that if he chose to have a part in the baby’s life I would support his decision as long as I am going to be included in his decision making.  She stopped contacting him for now.  I know she’s hoping to see him in person at work because in her email, she was asking for a chance to talk so that they can have a closure.  I’m not sure if husband will give him the opportunity, but he knows that it’s not wise to talk to her anymore because of previous experience.  In fact, he was the one who suggested to me the idea of forgetting about her.  He said that if we truly wanted to move on, forgetting about her and her existence is the best way to go because by not minding her, she would get the hint that he and I are seriously working on our relationship.  It made sense to me.  Plus I read in a lot of book that in order to truly forgive, I also must forget.

So I’m going to start with her.  I will slowly, but surely start to erase all of her memory in my mind.  All of my curiosity will have to be forgotten as if she never existed.    Next on my list is to forget all the things that I’ve found out about my husband’s affair.  It’s the only way that I could move on to my own future.  I will not forget the lessons that I learned though as they are the most valuable lessons that I acquired at a very high cost.  But the things that happened to gained those lessons I have to erase from my mind so that I no longer would think about it.  I realized that the triggers are brought about by certain memories that I have, and if I learn to forget them, then I would no longer have the triggers as well.  I can say that after I stopped attaching meanings to all the things and events in my husband’s affair, the triggers gradually lessens.  I hope that in time, it will completely stop and disappear as if it as well never existed.

The clock striked 12

January 24, 2014.  That was my Cinderella-moment.  It’s the day that the clock stoke 12, and the magic ends.  The truth about my fantasy being exposed by OW.  She called me using another mobile.  I was at work.

It’s the worst day of my life.  I thought I could die a thousand times.  My worst fear about my dearest husband just became a reality.  SHE finally called me up to admit everything.  It was her who confessed and told me the whole story.  Why did it have to be her?  I died, or at least I wanted to.  I thought my heart stopped beating.

SHE told me about the baby as well.  Confirming it was his.  The very core of my being slowly wants to stop existing.  Time stood still for me.  As if prolonging the pain, extending the agony.  The whole world just stopped for a while, like a slow motion movie, looking at a glass slowly shattering to pieces.  I swear I could almost hear my heart breaking.  I suddenly went physically numb.  From head to toes.

The first thing that I had to ask was how could they do this to me?  What have I ever done to deserve this?  Then, I had to ask HIM.  I had to hear it from HIM.  It’s as if everything would turn out fine if he only say so.  I was wrong, so wrong.  It did not become okay.  I have heard the most horrible truth I’ve dreaded to hear…  My dearest husband had an affair, and not only that, there’s a child borne out of it.

He still couldn’t tell me everything, I had to pry the details from him.  I don’t know, he says.  I’m not sure he would answer.  It makes me irritated to hear those phrases.  I don’t even know why I wanted to hear the sordid details, but I want to hear it from him.  I want to hear him say it, if only to feel that he had been honest about it for at least once.

It’s a messy affair.  SHE already have 2 kids, and a husband who’s having an affair.  How could she even think of having another woman suffer the same fate as she is going thru?  What kind of a person would wish that pain to another person?  SHE chose to tell it to me, for some unknown reason, she broke the silence and promise that they made to each other.  The promise of keeping everything a secret until the day they die.  Bury it to the grave, they say.

The clock stroked 12 for me.  My Cinderella marriage now going back to reality.  It’s not the fairy tale with a happily ever after yet for me.  The story had just began.  The agony of being the damsel in distress, not only because of a witch, but because of her prince charming turning back into a frog.  A crystal shoe, which is full of questions, left behind.  The journey begins here.  The ever difficult journey of acceptance… I wonder who my fairy Godmother is going to be.  The clock stroked 12 for me…