Tag Archive | after affairs

Intimacy

Intimacy  –  in·ti·ma·cy – [in-tuh-muh-see]  –  noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I’ve often wondered about the word.  It is defined as an act of affection, a familiar act or a loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I often apply the word to physical contact and to emotional details of my relationship with DH.  I thought, husband and wives who are physically intimate are also emotionally intimate.  Such is not always the case, as I found out.  On the other hand, I also found out that it’s the other way around.  Husbands and wives who are emotionally intimate are more often than not physically intimate too.

So how do we define an affair?  When DH is having any form of intimacy with another person other than us.  Because intimacy is and only should be reserved for us, the wife / husband.  Not with anyone else.  Any act of intimacy other than with the other half is an act of betrayal or a start of an affair with another person.  I guess, this does not only apply to the wayward spouse but to us betrayed spouses as well.  More than we notice, or would like to acknowledge, we get to practice intimacy with another person other than our spouses after their affair.  We tend to tell the intimate details of our relationship problems to friends, to family members or to anyone who would listen to our aches and pains, not knowing that we ourselves are doing an act of betrayal to the wayward spouse.  It’s not as grave as an affair, but it’s nevertheless an act of pushing our wayward spouses under the bus.  I too am guilty of doing such a thing, and I guess most of us are guilty of doing this.  However, as I came to realize, this is not really helpful, as this will not solve anything between me and my husband since I’ve decided to fight for our relationship despite the odds.  This only creates more confusion as I now have to consider the opinion of those people whom I told my problems to.  Plus, my husband now couldn’t face the people who knew of our problems because he’s embarrassed of the thought that they knew a lot about his mistake and that they are judging him poorly.

Now, I am not saying that we should try to handle this alone because I know that it’s almost impossible to do as the pain of discovering an affair is so great that no words could even begin to describe how painful it is, but what I’m trying to say is that we should seek the help of a trust worthy professional, neutral, preferably not related to the couple, and unbiased person to share our problems with rather than share the intimacy with our close family or friends who are not only going to be devastated along with us but will inevitably be as hurt as we are over the affair.

My apologies if my thoughts are messed up and it’s apparent in this post but up until now I’m still having mixed emotions as to what, how and when I should feel things or think things out.  I’m way better than when I was after D-day but I’m not yet totally there yet.   I just want to thank the people who take time to read my blogs and even leave a comment because it somehow makes me feel that my life is still part of the normal universe and I am not alone in this suffering.  Though I really pray that someday people would at least try to put an end to this kind of suffering as I believe that this is worst than anything that could be experienced in life…

 

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The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction

I would like to share with the readers a current fondness that I found because of my husband’s affair.  I found out that most of the self-healing stuffs they dish out talks about this Law of Attraction, but it comes in different forms.  Most of the self-help books that I’ve read and articles over the internet tells the BS to be more focused on oneself because we can only control ourselves and not other people.  I wondered how I would do that, so I researched some more, and lo and behold, I found myself with getting information about the law of attraction.  Please take time to read this link.  This might help you clear your mind whenever necessary and focus on a new perspective.  It helped me get what I want to achieve in the fastest time possible.  Peace of mind and happiness with my husband and family only in the span of 2 months.  But I’m not saying this is something easy to do.  I find that this is difficult at first but thru practice it becomes easier every day.  I hope this helps you too.

(Self Healing) First Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

I quote Lao-Tsu in my journey to self healing.  I must begin with a single step.  I already took the first step, and that is to “COMMIT”.  I became committed to my self healing and to the healing of my marriage with my dearest husband.  I believe that in order to move forward I must begin to heal, and no better way to start healing than acceptance.

I accepted the fact that bad things happened to my marriage and that it’s not the end of the world as they say it.  As always, I have been reading books, listening to podcast, reading other betrayed spouse’s blogs and articles regarding affairs.  They all say the same thing, and they all mean the same thing.  I can only be in control of myself, of my feelings, of the way I think, MYSELF and no one else’s.  It’s an absolute truth, and in this time where I doubt the truth, this is the only thing that I could put my faith into.

I choose not to wait for 2 or 3 years to heal.  That is just too long.  If I can have total control of myself and that would help to heal me faster, then I would rather do that and be over with this pain, than prolong it for nothing.  I choose not to blame anyone anymore, I choose to just face the problem at value without passing the ball to anyone.  I don’t blame myself for what happened, nor my husband for his choices and actions or the other woman. But not blaming anyone doesn’t mean that I’m agreeing to what happened.  I simply choose to accept that things did happen and there’s no other way to take it back, therefore, there’s no other way but to move forward, always forward.

I can only look back and learn, and move on.  I cannot erase the past, but by accepting the past I can face the future with a determination to make it better than yesterday and definitely much brighter than today.  I will get everything that I can from this experience for what it’s worth.  I choose to learn, and accept then forgive.

I am now taking my first step towards a very long journey.  A journey to finding back my own happy ever after.  I hope that at the end of the road is a loving heart that waits for me, be it a prince or a frog, so long as it’s no longer a wicked witch.