It’s been almost a year since D-day, I thought things would have been better, but it turns out that both WH and I are still stuck as if it happened just a couple of days ago and not months ago. I don’t know whether I will be called stupid by some of you, but I am currently 7 months pregnant.. yeah.. it seems that along the way of trying to fix things up, I got knocked up as well.
It’s not really unwanted pregnancy or unplanned, somehow I’m glad that I am pregnant so that I have something beautiful to look forward to instead of keeping myself looking back at the ugly past. But then, being pregnant has its bane as well, such as getting all too worked up with emotions. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I get more emotional as triggers and flashbacks crosses my mind, and I find myself stuck in the same spot where I was months ago. As if I didn’t move on.. as if I didn’t do anything at all.. it hurts and it keeps on hurting, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I’m tired of feeling hurt, but I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop myself from feeling the pain…
The irony of it all is that I will be giving birth in January.. again, the same month as my first born, the same month as the baby that was born out of my husband’s affair… I’m hoping and praying to God that my second child would not share the same birthday as the other child, but it would really be a joke of fate playing on us again if it did fall on the same date…
I really wish I could move on.. but I don’t know where to start anymore, somehow, somewhere I got lost in all of the things that is in my head and in my heart. Right now, all I know is that I am stuck, and that no matter how hard I try, I still am stuck! I guess healing does take years.
This is one of my favorite songs to listen to in times of trouble. I am thankful that though I am not religious, I can always count on faith to bring calmness in me whenever I go thru the storms of life. I will be STILL… because I believe that my God is bigger than my problems and the universe will give me a good life.
The Law of Attraction
I would like to share with the readers a current fondness that I found because of my husband’s affair. I found out that most of the self-healing stuffs they dish out talks about this Law of Attraction, but it comes in different forms. Most of the self-help books that I’ve read and articles over the internet tells the BS to be more focused on oneself because we can only control ourselves and not other people. I wondered how I would do that, so I researched some more, and lo and behold, I found myself with getting information about the law of attraction. Please take time to read this link. This might help you clear your mind whenever necessary and focus on a new perspective. It helped me get what I want to achieve in the fastest time possible. Peace of mind and happiness with my husband and family only in the span of 2 months. But I’m not saying this is something easy to do. I find that this is difficult at first but thru practice it becomes easier every day. I hope this helps you too.
I will commit. I have been over thinking things and I have been trying to stop thinking. It’s making my brains mushed. Now, I know that I have to commit. I have to be committed in doing something right for myself. If I don’t want to forget then I will commit to that, or if I t to move on, then I should also commit to that. I make a commitment today, to move on and give my husband another chance.
I commit myself to fixing this marriage and our relationship. It shouldn’t matter now who’s giving more input or who’s doing more as of the moment. The only thing that should matter now is that we are both still here, nobody left and he wants to be healed as well. I want to heal as well. We both need this. I need to commit to be positive. The pictures that I’ve put here in the post are the things that I’ve trying to tell myself. All I’ve ever wanted is a happy family and a happy marriage. I will keep on reaching for my fairy tale marriage until I’ve reached it.
They say that when reality bites, the fairy tale ends, most especially in marriages. But I will refuse to believe that, I will stand steadfast on my belief that given the right recipe, I can put my marriage back to its fairy tale state. I commit to doing that. I will no longer entertain the negative thoughts that plagues my heart and makes me doubt myself. I will be confident in myself and would no longer seek reassurance from others. Not even from DH. I will need to reassure myself from day to day that I am doing the right thing, and if it makes me happy, I will continue to do it. I don’t need his approval or validation to know that I am happy. I should know my own heart and I should trust my own judgement. I believe that if I gather enough positivity, I can eventually pull him back to a positive relationship. He will eventually see the light. he will eventually find his happiness with me and our daughter, and if he doesn’t, then I am no longer responsible for how he feels. I can only be responsible for how I feel. I will no longer hold him responsible for the way I feel either. I am committed to making me and my daughter happy. I commit to bringing happiness back in my family.
I will no longer be afraid again to try the things that will make me happy. I am no longer afraid to be strong because being that is the only option presented to me at the moment. I COMMIT, and it starts today.
It’s been a month since D-day.. It feels like a year already.. Looking at it, I’m way too far from the 2 year earmark that most of the betrayed spouses wrote about. I still read a lot, I talked to DH a lot.. I won’t lie about it, there are still days that make me think twice why I stayed, but then, I overcome those with positive thoughts.
I read a lot of books and they helped me a lot in terms of the way I think and see things. One favorite book of mine is Liam Naden’s “Save and Heal your marriage – without marriage counseling”. I so badly needed this book because I am from a country where affairs is not something to be discussed openly, counselor or not. Though I believe that counseling could help, there are not so many counselors here whom my husband and I could totally trust to help us. So, when I read this book, I was so glad. There are a lot of things written in the book that totally opened a new perspective for me. I would quote a favorite line in that book that I’m repeating to myself a lot of times lately, it says “I am responsible for my life, for my life situation, and I alone have the power to change it.”
Given that thought, I now begin to feel that I have hope on fixing my broken marriage. I can get back my fairy tale marriage with my prince charming, my DH. I am positive that I do love the man, with all that he is and with all that we have. I can leave my worries behind for now, and find my peace today because I look in myself and know what I want. I want a happy life, I choose to be happy, I choose to have a happy family and a healthy relationship with my wayward spouse. Even if he was a wayward, I still love him to the moon and back, and that is something that I can not explain except that perhaps this is what it means to love unconditionally.
I HATE YOU!!! I want to tell that to DH right now.. I hate how he handles our relationship. I hate how he makes me feel, I hate how I feel right now.. it’s just a moment full of hatred.. I HATE IT! He’s being insensitive JERK!