Archives

Almost a year and still stuck…

It’s been almost a year since D-day, I thought things would have been better, but it turns out that both WH and I are still stuck as if it happened just a couple of days ago and not months ago.  I don’t know whether I will be called stupid by some of you, but I am currently 7 months pregnant.. yeah.. it seems that along the way of trying to fix things up, I got knocked up as well.  

It’s not really unwanted pregnancy or unplanned, somehow I’m glad that I am pregnant so that I have something beautiful to look forward to instead of keeping myself looking back at the ugly past.  But then, being pregnant has its bane as well, such as getting all too worked up with emotions.  Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I get more emotional as triggers and flashbacks crosses my mind, and I find myself stuck in the same spot where I was months ago.  As if I didn’t move on.. as if I didn’t do anything at all.. it hurts and it keeps on hurting, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore.  I’m tired of feeling hurt, but I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop myself from feeling the pain… 

The irony of it all is that I will be giving birth in January.. again, the same month as my first born, the same month as the baby that was born out of my husband’s affair… I’m hoping and praying to God that my second child would not share the same birthday as the other child, but it would really be a joke of fate playing on us again if it did fall on the same date… 

I really wish I could move on.. but I don’t know where to start anymore, somehow, somewhere I got lost in all of the things that is in my head and in my heart.  Right now, all I know is that I am stuck, and that no matter how hard I try, I still am stuck!  I guess healing does take years.

Advertisements

Intimacy

Intimacy  –  in·ti·ma·cy – [in-tuh-muh-see]  –  noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.

I’ve often wondered about the word.  It is defined as an act of affection, a familiar act or a loving personal relationship with another person or group.  I often apply the word to physical contact and to emotional details of my relationship with DH.  I thought, husband and wives who are physically intimate are also emotionally intimate.  Such is not always the case, as I found out.  On the other hand, I also found out that it’s the other way around.  Husbands and wives who are emotionally intimate are more often than not physically intimate too.

So how do we define an affair?  When DH is having any form of intimacy with another person other than us.  Because intimacy is and only should be reserved for us, the wife / husband.  Not with anyone else.  Any act of intimacy other than with the other half is an act of betrayal or a start of an affair with another person.  I guess, this does not only apply to the wayward spouse but to us betrayed spouses as well.  More than we notice, or would like to acknowledge, we get to practice intimacy with another person other than our spouses after their affair.  We tend to tell the intimate details of our relationship problems to friends, to family members or to anyone who would listen to our aches and pains, not knowing that we ourselves are doing an act of betrayal to the wayward spouse.  It’s not as grave as an affair, but it’s nevertheless an act of pushing our wayward spouses under the bus.  I too am guilty of doing such a thing, and I guess most of us are guilty of doing this.  However, as I came to realize, this is not really helpful, as this will not solve anything between me and my husband since I’ve decided to fight for our relationship despite the odds.  This only creates more confusion as I now have to consider the opinion of those people whom I told my problems to.  Plus, my husband now couldn’t face the people who knew of our problems because he’s embarrassed of the thought that they knew a lot about his mistake and that they are judging him poorly.

Now, I am not saying that we should try to handle this alone because I know that it’s almost impossible to do as the pain of discovering an affair is so great that no words could even begin to describe how painful it is, but what I’m trying to say is that we should seek the help of a trust worthy professional, neutral, preferably not related to the couple, and unbiased person to share our problems with rather than share the intimacy with our close family or friends who are not only going to be devastated along with us but will inevitably be as hurt as we are over the affair.

My apologies if my thoughts are messed up and it’s apparent in this post but up until now I’m still having mixed emotions as to what, how and when I should feel things or think things out.  I’m way better than when I was after D-day but I’m not yet totally there yet.   I just want to thank the people who take time to read my blogs and even leave a comment because it somehow makes me feel that my life is still part of the normal universe and I am not alone in this suffering.  Though I really pray that someday people would at least try to put an end to this kind of suffering as I believe that this is worst than anything that could be experienced in life…

 

Still

This is one of my favorite songs to listen to in times of trouble. I am thankful that though I am not religious, I can always count on faith to bring calmness in me whenever I go thru the storms of life. I will be STILL… because I believe that my God is bigger than my problems and the universe will give me a good life.

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction

I would like to share with the readers a current fondness that I found because of my husband’s affair.  I found out that most of the self-healing stuffs they dish out talks about this Law of Attraction, but it comes in different forms.  Most of the self-help books that I’ve read and articles over the internet tells the BS to be more focused on oneself because we can only control ourselves and not other people.  I wondered how I would do that, so I researched some more, and lo and behold, I found myself with getting information about the law of attraction.  Please take time to read this link.  This might help you clear your mind whenever necessary and focus on a new perspective.  It helped me get what I want to achieve in the fastest time possible.  Peace of mind and happiness with my husband and family only in the span of 2 months.  But I’m not saying this is something easy to do.  I find that this is difficult at first but thru practice it becomes easier every day.  I hope this helps you too.

I will commit!

Photo I will commit.  I have been over thinking things and I have been trying to stop thinking.  It’s making my brains mushed.  Now, I know that I have to commit.  I have to be committed in doing something right for myself.  If I don’t want to forget then I will commit to that, or if I t to move on, then I should also commit to that.  I make a commitment today, to move on and give my husband another chance. 

I commit myself to fixing this marriage and our relationship.  It shouldn’t matter now who’s giving more input or who’s doing more as of the moment.  The only thing that should matter now is that we are both still here, nobody left and he wants to be healed as well.  I want to heal as well.  We both need this.  I need to commit to be positive.  The pictures that I’ve put here in the post are the things that I’ve trying to tell myself.  All I’ve ever wanted is a happy family and a happy marriage.  I will keep on reaching for my fairy tale marriage until I’ve reached it. 

Photo: So true... and important...

They say that when reality bites, the fairy tale ends, most especially in marriages.  But I will refuse to believe that, I will stand steadfast on my belief that given the right recipe, I can put my marriage back to its fairy tale state.  I commit to doing that.  I will no longer entertain the negative thoughts that plagues my heart and makes me doubt myself.  I will be confident in myself and would no longer seek reassurance from others.  Not even from DH.  I will need to reassure myself from day to day that I am doing the right thing, and if it makes me happy, I will continue to do it.  I don’t need his approval or validation to know that I am happy.  I should know my own heart and I should trust my own judgement.  I believe that if I gather enough positivity, I can eventually pull him back to a positive relationship.  He will eventually see the light.  he will eventually find his happiness with me and our daughter, and if he doesn’t, then I am no longer responsible for how he feels.  I can only be responsible for how I feel.  I will no longer hold him responsible for the way I feel either.  I am committed to making me and my daughter happy.  I commit to bringing happiness back in my family. 

I will no longer be afraid again to try the things that will make me happy.  I am no longer afraid to be strong because being that is the only option presented to me at the moment.  I COMMIT, and it starts today.

Leaving my worries behind.. for now…

ImageIt’s been a month since D-day.. It feels like a year already..  Looking at it, I’m way too far from the 2 year earmark that most of the betrayed spouses wrote about.  I still read a lot, I talked to DH a lot.. I won’t lie about it, there are still days that make me think twice why I stayed, but then, I overcome those with positive thoughts. 

  I read a lot of books and they helped me a lot in terms of the way I think and see things.  One favorite book of mine is Liam Naden’s “Save and Heal your marriage – without marriage counseling”.  I so badly needed this book because I am from a country where affairs is not something to be discussed openly, counselor or not.  Though I believe that counseling could help, there are not so many counselors here whom my husband and I could totally trust to help us.  So, when I read this book, I was so glad.  There are a lot of things written in the book that totally opened a new perspective for me.  I would quote a favorite line in that book that I’m repeating to myself a lot of times lately, it says “I am responsible for my life, for my life situation, and I alone have the power to change it.”

Given that thought, I now begin to feel that I have hope on fixing my broken marriage.  I can get back my fairy tale marriage with my prince charming, my DH.  I am positive that I do love the man, with all that he is and with all that we have.  I can leave my worries behind for now, and find my peace today because I look in myself and know what I want.  I want a happy life, I choose to be happy, I choose to have a happy family and a healthy relationship with my wayward spouse.  Even if he was a wayward, I still love him to the moon and back, and that is something that I can not explain except that perhaps this is what it means to love unconditionally.

 

 

I hate you!!!

I HATE YOU!!!  I want to tell that to DH right now.. I hate how he handles our relationship.  I hate how he makes me feel, I hate how I feel right now.. it’s just a moment full of hatred.. I HATE IT!  He’s being insensitive JERK!