(Forget) Third Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

On my first ingredient, I put SELF HEALING, and FOCUS as my second.  Now, I will put FORGET or FORGETTING as the third ingredient to my Fairy Tale recipe.  I recently discovered that it is a very important part of healing.  In order to truly heal, we must learn how to forget.

As the betrayed spouse, I need to learn this every day.  It’s specially hard since my D-day was just very recent.  I haven’t even crossed the 2 months earmark and yet here I am, rushing towards the things that would make me happy and whole again.  As I’ve said in my previous blogs, and I couldn’t emphasize it more, I don’t want to be stuck with the feeling of pain and negativity.  I want to move forward as fast as I can so that I can escape the feeling of doom and gloom.  I want to heal as quickly as I can, not for the sake of my wayward spouse, but because for the love of myself, I want to stop feeling the hurt and the aches in my heart.  And I can only do that if I am to heal completely, whether WS helps or not, I have to get there as quickly as possible.

So, the third ingredient that I discovered is FORGET.  I have a lot of things to forget.  First on the list is that I have to forget her, the other woman.  I have to forget that she ever existed.  This is the hardest part, but this is the first part that I have to put on my list because of the difficulty.  I have to stop myself from obsessing about her.  I have to be conscious and stop myself from wondering about her.  I have to completely erase her existence from my mind.  I believe that it’s the most difficult thing to do right now simply because of the million questions that I have in my head about her.  But it is also the easiest thing to do because all I need to do is not to think about her, and whenever I find myself crossing the line on thinking about her and the baby that she had with WS, I will have to think of something else.  I would have to FOCUS on thinking of something positive about me and my daughter and my husband.  Yes, he should be part of the positive thoughts in order for me to restore my sanity and trust in my marriage.  I have to believe that I still have something to hold on to.

I have to share a quote that I’ve read somewhere that makes me believe that by forgetting about her, I’m getting my justice served and I’m getting my fair share in this life.  I know she would never be able to forget my husband for the rest of her life because she made sure to keep a memory of him that both of them can never take back, a baby.  And if the worst feeling is not being lonely but being forgotten by someone you can’t forget, then she will have the worst feeling everyday because I intend to have her be forgotten by WS and myself.  It’s not going to be easy but I know that if I take the first step eventually husband dear would follow.

Recently, she tried to make contact thru my husband’s work email.  And true to his word, he told me about the email but he didn’t sent any reply messages.  In her email, she attached a picture of the baby as if trying to remind my husband of what they have together, but when I asked my husband what he intends to do with it, he just dismissed the whole idea as ridiculously complicated.  He said that nothing good would come out of it and he doesn’t plan to act on it because there’s no use.  Of course, he knows very well that if he chose to have a part in the baby’s life I would support his decision as long as I am going to be included in his decision making.  She stopped contacting him for now.  I know she’s hoping to see him in person at work because in her email, she was asking for a chance to talk so that they can have a closure.  I’m not sure if husband will give him the opportunity, but he knows that it’s not wise to talk to her anymore because of previous experience.  In fact, he was the one who suggested to me the idea of forgetting about her.  He said that if we truly wanted to move on, forgetting about her and her existence is the best way to go because by not minding her, she would get the hint that he and I are seriously working on our relationship.  It made sense to me.  Plus I read in a lot of book that in order to truly forgive, I also must forget.

So I’m going to start with her.  I will slowly, but surely start to erase all of her memory in my mind.  All of my curiosity will have to be forgotten as if she never existed.    Next on my list is to forget all the things that I’ve found out about my husband’s affair.  It’s the only way that I could move on to my own future.  I will not forget the lessons that I learned though as they are the most valuable lessons that I acquired at a very high cost.  But the things that happened to gained those lessons I have to erase from my mind so that I no longer would think about it.  I realized that the triggers are brought about by certain memories that I have, and if I learn to forget them, then I would no longer have the triggers as well.  I can say that after I stopped attaching meanings to all the things and events in my husband’s affair, the triggers gradually lessens.  I hope that in time, it will completely stop and disappear as if it as well never existed.

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4 thoughts on “(Forget) Third Ingredient – Fairy Tale Recipe

  1. Oh my gosh how awful. He’s going to have to pay child support I suppose, are you going to do that through lawyers? At least he was honest about the email and is not part if her life. Poor kid.

    • I’m not sure whether it’s fortunate or unfortunate for me that in our country, child support is not obligatory by law. However, if he do wish to pay his child support, I will support that decision as I don’t feel any hatred for the child, however, it will be done in my terms which I already discussed with him. On the same subject, I doubt that the other woman would ask for child support because her husband doesn’t know about her affair and her child that is not his yet, I leave it to her to deal with her dilemma as it is no longer my concern. Though there are times that I still worry how her husband would exactly react if he finds out and in turn might literally do a man hunt for my husband to kill him or have him killed, that is a consequence I have to deal with my husband not with her. I have to prepare myself and my daughter that because of this mess she might lose her father one day and we should no longer be surprised. However, I’m still praying to God that it would not have to come to that.
      Yes, the only consolation about this whole mess for me is that I’ve never been more open with my husband and he’s the same with me. We have never been this closer before and that’s the only good side that came out of this so far. I’m still expecting for more good things to come out of this one mistake that almost cost us our marriage. I’m still choosing to look at the brighter side of life. I’m very grateful that I still have a marriage to protect and that I still feel the love despite of things that happened.
      Thank you very much for the comment. I hope things are doing well on your side.

  2. Hi – thanks for sharing your story. My heart hurts for your situation, because as bad as any affair is the consequences of an unplanned child would be SOOOO devastating to me. You words tell me that you are handling this with incredible grace. I truly do not know how I would of reacted to such a consequence if it had happened to me. Of course it’s not the child’s fault but to have to deal with and accept this is probably more than I could handle. Yes in my country child support is mandatory (so many men that think they don’t have to be responsible for the consequences of where they put their penis) and I would require a DNA test to prove child’s biological father. Could the pregnancy be the OW husbands? Maybe it’s not your spouses child. I would have to know. Because I have NO RESPECT for men who don’t own up to their responsibility when it comes to children. The road to surviving infidelity is a long bumpy one, and it doesn’t seem to have many exit ramps. Just ways to deal with the traffic. For me, I have forgiven my husbands past sins, however to totally forget it doesn’t work for me – It would feel like I didn’t learn anything about marriage and what it takes to make a healthy, monogamous marriage AND make it last! I am still on this road, each day making small strides, and believe that looking forward, focused on positive actions for myself and marriage is the only way I can do it. So many betrayed spouses seem stuck, unable to forgive and start healing. I couldn’t live like that- don’t get me wrong I have crappy days too, but I don’t want this to be the prognosis for the rest of my life. It sounds to me like you have a good attitude, and want to move forward. Good for you! Always remember you’re not alone- us sisters (some brothers too) are here to support one another. Best wishes to you!

  3. Chely5150, thanks for the comment. One of the reason why I try to keep my blog posted is because I want to positively affect other people who’s going thru the same thing as we are. It’s an awful situation to be in, one that I wouldn’t even wish on my enemies, but there’s so much to learn from this high-paid experience as well that it would be a waste not to look at it on a positive point of view. I believe that I am handling this with the way I do right now simply because I have more faith in the unseen force that guides me thru this ordeal. I don’t want to sound so religious because I truly am not, but I found myself believing more in the higher power who never left me alone when I found out about my husband’s dilemma and now that we’re dealing with it. I don’t wish to be judge but I know that I will be, by the people who read my post. However, I would like to think that each of us starts with not knowing what to do during D-day and days after it, but if we only look deep into our hearts and clear our minds from all the anger and fear and anxiety, we will find the true answer lies within us and not without us. Whatever worked for me could also worked for a lot of women out there but it only depends on how they would see things, and if they would be willing to take the step. I’m not an avid fan of totally forgetting about the whole ordeal as well, it’s just that, there are things that should be temporarily forgotten to give way to healing and then if and when we choose to look back, then maybe we can do so with a different perspective and feelings rather than pain and hatred. I paid too much of a price for this experience and I want to squeeze out everything that I could get from it, of course, I have to strain the lessons as well so that only the good ones will remain and the bitter ones left behind. I’m thankful for each day that I choose to stay in this marriage and with my husband regardless of his mistake, because deep in my heart I know that I love him, and I love myself, enough to know that leaving him because of his affair is going to hurt me more than it would hurt him.

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