truth and memories

It’s been several days ago since I had the talk with DH.  We both decided that “THAT TALK” will be our sort of closure.  I get to ask him all the questions that I haven’t asked before and he would answer them as truthfully as he could.  I thought that it was a good start to heal.  I honestly believe that by hearing him say the story I would have an understanding of what happened.  I was wrong.. I still couldn’t understand it.  Although, talking about it made me feel better. 

Today, I had to borrow an old mobile phone.  I knew that THIS was the mobile phone that they used to text each other.  But I didn’t knew that he would not erase the old messages, as he thought it was no longer necessary, and it wouldn’t affect me even if I see it because I already had my closure with him.  He thought wrong, I thought wrong.  It killed me, but I read it anyway.  Stupid, stubborn me!

I wish I could just brush it aside, and imagine a big eraser and scrape it out of my mind, but I couldn’t.  I tried but it doesn’t go away.  Especially the physical pain.  It’s there.  I’m not sure how I would talk to him again about this things that I feel.  I feel that he’s getting tired, and I’m getting tired as well.  I can’t blame him, but I can’t force myself to feel what I can’t.  I pray for the days where the ugly memories wouldn’t pop up.  I pray for the days wherein everything seems all right and peaceful.  Where ugly thoughts doesn’t enter my head.  Where we could just co-exist happily together, as if nothing happened, as if we’re moving on.  I pray for those days, I really need those days. 

He just got his promotion a couple of weeks ago.  He’s no longer resigning from work as previously agreed upon.  I should be the happiest wife and proud of him because he finally got his promotion, but I feel that his promotion somehow is going to be an add on fuel to a fire in our relationship problems.  I’m scared that I might not be able to keep this up anymore.  I have this feeling that I’m bottling up things and just waiting to pop out and burst. 

I’m beginning to have suicidal thoughts… I’ve come across the thought of killing our daughter then killing myself next.. then I came back to my senses and feel that I’m such a horrible person for thinking like this.. I’m hating myself.. I pray to God to make me stronger than I am right now.  Sometimes, I look at my daughter and would feel very very sorry for her.  How I wish I could spare her from this feeling when she grows up.  How I wish I can teach her the right thing to do if she’s faced with this situation.  I want to be there if she’s going to go thru a thing like this.  I want to hold her hand and hug her and tell her she will be strong enough to make a right decision.  How I wish I could tell my mom everything and have her hug and comfort me.  That’s what I really want right now, that’s what I think I need. 

It feels like I’m stuck in limbo.  My brains ceased to function where the affairs of my heart is concerned.  New things are unfolding right before my eyes but I’m no longer interested to see them.  I just want days to fly and pass by so that it would dull the aches in my heart.  I know we both are trying to move pass this one.  Reading helped, I hope it can still help.  Blogging helps.. but it’s not enough right now.. I wish I can make the memories go away. 

I haven’t fully accepted the fact that things are never going back to the way it used to be.  I know that we could only make it better from here but it will never be the same.  I have to change the way I view things to cope up, to heal.  I need to read LIam Naden’s book again, if only to remind myself about acceptance and look for answers within. 

I feel crappy, but I know that this too will pass.. I wish I could have a memory eraser.. I wish they can invent a thing like that, a thing that will erase all the bad memories just like it does in computers.  I want to delete them forever..

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