Better days, and days like this…

rain There are better days, then there are days like this.  Days where I just want to shout and cry and ask again and again why, why did this happen?  Of course I know this behavior is not helping me any.  It’s destructive.  But how do I stop feeling like this?  How do I stop feeling the pain?

I keep on reading books, checking things that I thought would and could help me, but I’m still stuck.  I don’t want to give her the power over me anymore.  SHE did enough damage already, so I shouldn’t let her destroy me more than she already sadhad.  But where do I start?  How do I stop thinking about HER?  I still can’t understand why she would choose to have a daughter with my husband when she already have 2 sons with her own.  I would never know why, and at times, I think I don’t need to know why.  But, there’s always this but… I really am going CRAZY…

Then there’s my husband.  He seems to think that everything is okay, if we just forget about it.  In a blink of an eye, is it going to be that simple?  He thinks that just because he says so, it’s going to be easy.  I really want to follow his advise.  I’m trying to, for my own good, try not to think and forget.  Unfortunately, each days seems like an eternity.  I finished reading a book about total forgiveness, it says that total forgiveness is also forgetting.  It says that we must forget in some ways that it’s enough to move on.  How I wish I could do that right now, forget, but it’s seems the hardest thing for me to do.

I want to think about happy days whenever I feel like this.  I want to think about better days.  I know they are coming too.  Even if it’s not today… even if it’s tomorrow.. I want to bring back the feelings that my husband and I used to share.  But now there are only questions, upon questions, and some more unending questions.  It’s as if my mind will never be satiated.  I thought that things will get better each day, if I would only take it one day at a time.  But why do I still feel stuck?  It’s like I’ve fallen in a quick sand and I can’t come out.

I want him to talk to me, to tell me everything that happened.  How did it happen?  Why it happened.  But I guess he’s not ready yet.  The worst part about this is that I’m forced to look at the kind of person DH is, right at this moment, I’m just sad beyond words.  As if I made an illusion and now reality bites.  I always thought him as an angel, my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince… but now I know he’s only human.  An ordinary irresponsible lowlife.  He became insensitive to his surroundings, got so wrapped up with his own insecurities and self worth that he forgot about me and our daughter.  I guess that’s where my anger is coming from.  I guess that’s why I’m this upset.

I now begin to doubt all of my choices.  I now begin to question my judgement on people.  I am full of self doubt now.  It’s funny how all the books I’ve read kept on repeating it’s not about me, it’s about him, his feelings, his ego, his needs.  It’s all about him.  But if it’s about him, why do I have to be affected with the consequences?  Again, what did I do to deserve this?  How come I have to suffer like this?  Why does it have to involve innocent children?  So not FAIR!!!

Life is not fair, I already knew that since I began pre-school.  But I also thought that even if life is not fair, God is.  Now I start asking God as well, because I really couldn’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve something like this.  If I did, and I deserve this, then my daughter doesn’t.  This has to stop… I have to find out how.. I will try my best to make it stop.

“One day, someday, though it’s not today, I will forget… I will get over this… There will be better days, even if there are days like this…”

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