Pumpkin “baby” carriage

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I can’t stop thinking about the baby.  How my own daughter would take the news when she grows up.  Shall I tell my daughter about her?  I think I want to, I believe she deserves to know, but who knows if I ever will be able to tell her.  I promise DH that I’ll be his partner in crime.  I’ll keep his secret even if it’s against my wishes.  Even if it kills me, I will try to keep it.

Myriads of emotions are deep in my heart.  I’ll wake up in the wee hours of the morning with a chest pain, and an anger that seems to consume my whole being.  Though I can still control them right now, the demons that’s lurking in me, I’m still scared that one day it will all break lose.  Then there are times where I will just cry, and I really want to find a place where I could just bawl my eyes and heart out.  If only to ease the pain in my heart.  I want to cry to my friends and tell them what’s happening, but I couldn’t.  I can’t very well tell them what happened and expect them not to judge DH.  I want to cry to my mom, but I also can’t.  She would hold it against him and I don’t want that too.

I keep thinking about THEIR baby.  SHE gave the baby two names, the first name meant Alive and the second one meant God is my Strength.  It’s as if the baby was meant to be born.  I can’t have her and I can’t stop thinking about her (the baby).  I would really like to see that baby grow up.  It’s odd for me to find myself with these thoughts in my head.  I couldn’t find a trace of hate for the baby.  She’s innocent in all these pain.  I would really wanted to have her, and I really wish she was OURs instead of THEIRs.  But then, she’s not, and I can’t see her grow up, and I won’t see her anymore.  I stopped checking HER FB.  Before I did, I was obsessing about the baby, on how she looks so much like my daughter.  It would have been great to have another baby in the house with my daughter to play with and grow together with and call sister.  I have to tell myself over and over to stop thinking like this.  Stop thinking like a mad woman.  But then again, how?  why not?  I’m mad after all.  My pumpkin coach just turned into someone else pumpkin carriage, a baby carriage that is. 

May God forbid that HER husband found out about the little one.  I often pray for God to protect the baby from harm.  I still feel scared a lot of times.  For me, my family, my husband and for the little one if in case HER husband finds out about the affair that SHE had with DH.  I often run different scenarios in my head.  Would he run after DH and beat him to death?  Would he shrug it off just like I did for the sake of his family?  Would he go crazy just like I do at times?  I think he might, just like I did. 

I have to stop checking on HER page, trying to look for the update and pictures of the kid.  I have to focus on what I have, instead of what I couldn’t have.  The pain’s becoming all too physical as well.  Sometimes it feels like it’s a death grip in my heart.  I’m trying my best to act normal, but then, I no longer know what normal is.  Everything seems odd and abnormal to me now.  I always chant to myself to live one day at a time, to feel one moment at a time, and to think one thought at a moment.  

 

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