I want to save my marriage, I want to save my family. I admit that when I first found out about his affair, my instinct was to run. Run as far as I could from him, bringing my daughter with me and RUN. In the end, my logic won over my emotions. It asked me, what good would that do? It dictates in my head “It would cause more harm than good.”
Then flood of emotions would take over again. Amongst other feelings that I have is pity for my husband and for OW. They must have been very lonely to have done something as selfish as this. Then I will find it funny, how could I still even think like this? How could I still have it in my heart to feel pity for them, instead of pitying myself? Then it would hit me again, he must have been lonely and confused. I always have everything going my way, while he on the other hand always have to struggle hard to reach his dreams. He must have felt so insecure and so small compared to me. In my head I made my own debate and excuses and thousand of reasons why this happened to me, to my family, to my marriage.
We used to have a perfect marriage. A perfect life. Or so I thought. I thought that despite the hardships that we faced and go thru, as long as we stick together, we will be strong. He had good values, a strong principle. I always admired him for that. People always looks up to him for that. Now… if they only knew.. or maybe some of them already knew…
I want to be selfless, and forgive. As easily as I say it. FORGIVE. I easily gave HER my forgiveness when SHE asked me of it. I was never angry at her to begin with. After all, SHE was no one in my life. She was just an instrument for me to see my marriage and relationship with my husband as it really is. She’s a stranger, so why would her feelings matter to me, so yes, I already forgave her. In fact, I can only feel occasional pity for her. But my husband…oh, my dearest husband… how can I forgive you? When everyday I still feel like I’m dying. I’m taking things one day at a time, one thought at a moment.
DH said it himself, what he did to me was unforgivable. He doesn’t even expect me to forgive him, so why should I give it to him when he’s not even asking for it? I’ve been reading a lot since D-day. A lot of books about affairs, and what to do, what not to do about them. In all those books, it always states that forgiveness is a gift to oneself. It had only been a month since D-day. However, it already feels like a year has passed. The agony seems to have an effect on time. It seems to prolong every moment, making it longer than usual and more than necessary.
We did marriage counseling on the first week after I found out. It’s supposed to help and feel good but it didn’t change anything about how I feel. I still feel as if I’m in terrible pain. There’s still round about a million questions in my head. They’re all in my head, floating, lurking, waiting to be spoken out loud. I try to filter some when I ask him, as some questions are plain nasty and wouldn’t be really helpful towards healing. The real question for me now is, which ones are helpful and which ones are not? I just want to have a quiet mind and shout it all out in hopes that once I did, I would have a peace of mind and I would get some answers. But of course, another question pops out, what do I do with the answers? I’m not really sure. I’m seething. Just boiling from the inside. Trying to convince myself that things will be fine. I pray that God will make it find soon. I really can’t stand the pain in my chest anymore. It really hurts so much.
It hurts to think that he broke everything that’s sacred to me, to us. He broke our wedding vows, to love, to honor, to cherish? where’s all of that now? It hurts that he gave to HER everything that’s supposed to be mine, and mine alone. HIMSELF. He gave her a piece of him that I can no longer take back, no matter how much I try. It hurts because I want to trust him so bad and now there’s only doubts in my heart and in my head. Doubt about everything we had. Did he really love me? If so, how can he still do this to me? I couldn’t even imagine being touched by another man except from him, but now I can’t imagine him being able to touch me without wondering if he also did this and that with her. It hurts, it just hurts as hell.
I wish there’s a pill that I could take to make me forget. To make all of these go away and just leave me with a fresh start. A new chapter to my fairy tale. I wish I could go back to my fairy tale life. I wish.. I wish.. SHIT! All I can do now is wish, but it won’t do good. It hurts a lot to think that all those times I was almost begging him to make love with me, he was withholding from me because he was making love with someone else. He chose her over me, it’s plain selfish… so why should I be selfless?
So why do I stay? I ask myself over and over again. Why do I chose to still stay with him? I’m not really sure if it’s just plain stupidity or stubbornness. I stayed because the truth is, I’m still in LOVE with him. I still want to make this work. I want to make it until we grow old and until our hair grows grey. But now it’s more challenging to do, now it’s become more difficult. In most cases, I’ve read that it takes at least 3 months to make big decisions in cases like ours. I’ve already crossed my first month. There’s still a lot of things that could happen in 2 months. I hope I can last that long.
It also says it takes 2 years to heal, but I’m not sure if I want to wait that long too. I pray to God that He would heal me faster than that. For my daughter and my sake as well, let there be healing in my heart. There are days like this when I just want to sulk and cry, but I can’t even afford to do that, at least not yet. Maybe next time, maybe tomorrow. But I pray that it would be a good day tomorrow, a day where I could finally find it in my heart to forgive, so that I can go back to my happy marriage.
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference…”